Today is an important day, and not just because if you’re reading this means that you escaped some bizarre infinite time loop designed to teach you important life lessons. No, today also happens to be my mother’s birthday; she turns 50 today (again). So happy birthday, Mom!
Technically it’s still the 2nd while I’m writing this, so I don’t actually know if I’ll wake up tomorrow next to Bill Murray or not. I’ll take my chances, I guess.
I hope you didn’t think I get up at the crack of dawn in order to make my posts at 6 AM every morning. Well I might be up that early, but it’s usually because I haven’t gone to bed yet. Insomnia is a hell of a drug.
I was up late last night though, especially in the wake of writing my response to Lisa Khoury, reading responses to the original post. She pissed off a lot of people, though it does seem to be dying down a bit. 15 minutes of fame and all that, at least until the next idiot comes around.
Speaking of idiots, we’ve had some local stupidity here. You might have heard of the infamous Pottstown Boot Ban by now, as the Associated Press picked up the story and it’s blown up across the globe. Apparently it’s been a slow few weeks for news.
The big story is that the administrative staff of Pottstown Middle School, which is in the town just south of me,
came down hard on those anarchist junior high kids by banning open top boots, because they had concerns that kids were smuggling their cell phones into class. Yes, apparently knockoff Uggs are the biggest problem this school has, though I suspect the second biggest problem this school has is an administrative staff that has been smoking too much heroin or something.
First of all, who the hell gives their 13 year old a cell phone? “But it’s for emergencies only,” I can hear parents saying. Do you really think a young teenager has the kind of self-control to only use a cell phone for emergencies? It’s a wonder I had enough self control to stop masturbating enough in 8th grade to actually finish junior high (I hope my mother’s still not reading this. However, if my 8th grade crush is, call me!).
Secondly, I know it’s been about two decades since junior high for me, but I know that if I or my friends had enough determination to sneak something into the school, we wouldn’t let an open top boot ban stop us. We didn’t have cell phones back then yet, but I went to public school in an integrated neighborhood; I saw everything from alcohol, cigarettes, and firecrackers all the way to god damn ninja stars and switchblades (by the way, “integrated neighborhood” means that I got chased by black kids as much as I got chased by white kids).
You know how we smuggled shit into the school? Not in our boots, I’ll tell you that much. See, we had these amazing things called “bookbags.” They were these bags, right? With straps on and everything? And we put our books in there. The only thing was there was a lot of extra room left over after the books, so we of course filled that space with the coolest and most dangerous shit we could find.
Of course, the open top boot ban is also to cut down on students smuggling this same dangerous shit into class. However, I don’t think that bookbags have gone out of style. Kids now are just about as resourceful as they were twenty years ago, although we didn’t have Wikipedia and we had to cheat on research papers the old-fashioned way (going to the library).
The only way to truly stop kids from smuggling all kinds of retarded things into schools is go the whole TSA route. That means metal detectors and random searches every time anyone enters the school building. This, of course, requires funding that public schools will never get – though I’m sure that school boards would be more than happy to earmark funds for such things, if only they could get those pesky teachers to stop asking for money; instead they’ve got to make it look like they’re taking steps to curb the problem so they don’t get fired or dragged into court the first time some kid sinks his butterfly knife into the thigh of another kid for taking the last green Jell-O cup during lunch period. It must be hard being an administrator.
By the way, it’s reruns on the Amateur Professional tomorrow morning. I wanted to take the weekend off, but I didn’t want to leave my loyal readers high and dry (hi, Mom!), so instead I’ve decided to repost something I wrote on Facebook a few weeks ago called Early Modern Tarantino Theatre, where I take famous movie scenes from Quentin Tarantino movies and translate them into Early Modern English. Kind of like The Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, though I don’t know if I’d ever have the patience to “translate” an entire movie.