It’s come to my attention that a whole shit-ton of people don’t know what the fuck is going on with this new John Carter movie coming out on March 9th. Well, call me the bus driver, because I’m about to take you to school.
First, watch this awesome trailer:
Now, some background. Way back in the early 20th century, Edgar Rice Burroughs, the legendary pulp author who created Tarzan, also created a series of science fiction stories set on Mars. The main character, John Carter, is a former Civil War soldier that was transported to the red planet where he encounters a series of adventures involving the inhabitants of Mars.
Imagine Conan the Barbarian fighting fifteen foot tall, six-armed albino apes and hyper-intelligent giant praying mantis-looking motherfuckers while he bangs hot red-skinned alien bitches from the deck of some Final Fantasy VII-style airship. He’s like Han Solo and Captain Kirk’s illegitimate love child that was raised by the Outlaw Josie Wales with a laser pistol and a ballin’ Martian longsword instead of a Colt Single Action Army and a cavalry sabre, with the whole thing in all its insane, magnificent glory illustrated by the one and only Frank fucking Frazetta.
In other words: Think “Cowboys and Aliens,” except it isn’t utter shit.
That being said, if this movie blows chunks I’m going to strip down to a loincloth and run through Philly lobbing Molotov cocktails.