If this movie sucks I’m moving to Barsoom.

It’s come to my attention that a whole shit-ton of people don’t know what the fuck is going on with this new John Carter movie coming out on March 9th.  Well, call me the bus driver, because I’m about to take you to school.

First, watch this awesome trailer:

Now, some background.  Way back in the early 20th century, Edgar Rice Burroughs, the legendary pulp author who created Tarzan, also created a series of science fiction stories set on Mars. The main character, John Carter, is a former Civil War soldier that was transported to the red planet where he encounters a series of adventures involving the inhabitants of Mars.

Look at this badass motherfucker.

Look at this motherfucker.

Imagine Conan the Barbarian fighting fifteen foot tall, six-armed albino apes and hyper-intelligent giant praying mantis-looking motherfuckers while he bangs hot red-skinned alien bitches from the deck of some Final Fantasy VII-style airship. He’s like Han Solo and Captain Kirk’s illegitimate love child that was raised by the Outlaw Josie Wales with a laser pistol and a ballin’ Martian longsword instead of a Colt Single Action Army and a cavalry sabre, with the whole thing in all its insane, magnificent glory illustrated by the one and only  Frank fucking Frazetta.

In other words: Think “Cowboys and Aliens,” except it isn’t utter shit.

That being said, if this movie blows chunks I’m going to strip down to a loincloth and run through Philly lobbing Molotov cocktails.

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6 thoughts on “If this movie sucks I’m moving to Barsoom.

  1. I’m with you dude, I never got into this beyond the frazetta stuff, so I didn’t know what it was till you schooled me, and now I have some hope it will be good.

    But from the look of it… Not so much. I feel like this will be just another blockbuster that’s more about busting blocks than being a good film. I mean it’s obviously disneyfied, so there goes any Red Alien bitch banging…

    But because it’s Disneyfied, maybe it will have Elton John doing the music… which would be worse than raping me int he ass with a school bus… Backwards…

    I dunno, I will see how the first reviews pan out. If this looks like a stinker like the remake of Clash of the titans was… I’ll just wait for the DVD.

  2. I got excited when I first saw the trailer, but as it went I became a bit deflated. I can already see how it’s going to go. There’s potential for greatness, but it will fall flat. They usually do.

    I’ll just keep my expectations really low and then if it’s awesome, all the better. If it sucks donkey like I think it might, I will be able to say “I knew it” all smug like.

  3. I’m super excited!

    I started hopping up and down in my seat and whacking Chris about the head and face, yammering and pointing at the Television screen during the first commercial I saw.

    Super. Excited.

  4. Pingback: Barsoom is for lovers. « Amateur Professional

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