Look at this magnificent bastard right here. Just look at him. This massive mountain of turian tumescence, one Garrus Vakarian, is my hero, and not just because he takes artillery fire from a mercenary gunship to the face and gets right back up on his goddamn two-toed taloned raptor feet; no, it’s because he is the hero Omega deserves.
For everyone who doesn’t know what the fuck I’m going on about, I’m talking about one of my favorite characters from the Mass Effect video game series. ME3 just dropped, and Vaughn R. Demont, my good friend, colleague, and popular urban fantasy author, did me a solid by picking me up a copy. He had an ulterior motive, of course – he wants me on his ME3 multiplayer team – but that doesn’t change the fact that when my copy of the game gets here on Friday, I’m clearing my goddamn schedule, locking the doors, putting on some mood music, and kicking my bromance off with Garrus once more.
At this point you’re probably asking yourself why is this weird dude with heel spurs and creepy mandibles so worthy of adulation? Actually, you’re more likely asking yourself why the fuck do I keep reading this blog but we both know the answer to that: you’re bored, and I’m lonely. So very, very lonely.
Anyway, anyone with a lick of sense can plainly see that Garrus is the only real option when it comes to the much-needed “bro” in the Mass Effect universe. Okay okay okay, I hear all you Urdnot Wrex fanboys shouting, but you know what? Shut the hell up. Wrex only cameos in ME2 and that’s only if you don’t get him killed in 1, so he simply can’t fill that role across the entire trilogy in the same way Garrus can. Besides, Garrus is pretty much the god damned Batman of the Mass Effect universe. He doesn’t have superhuman strength like a krogan or fancy biotic magic powers like an asari – all he has is his training, his gear, and his resolve to fuck shit up as much as he can for the bad guys, bringing them to justice even when they’re outside the law.
Once you’ve gotten through to Garrus in-game and arrived at bro-tier status with him, you’re pretty much unstoppable. This is especially true in ME2 during the infamous “suicide mission” endgame, where you can end up seriously screwing yourself if you haven’t spent enough time working on the loyalty of your squadmates beforehand: putting the wrong characters in charge or putting them in charge without securing their loyalty can lead to deaths left and right, yet a loyal Garrus can handle nearly anything you throw at him, such as when you need a leader for a secondary fire team as you battle your way inside. Not only that, but on the way in, his constant calibrations to your ship’s weapons (as long as you’ve upgraded them) can save your bacon, as not doing so will end up with people dying on your squad before you even put boots to floor.
But even more important than that is that Garrus is a total ladies’ man. The Mass Effect series is known for its squadmate romance subplots, and in ME2 Garrus became a romance option for female main characters, even though he’s turian and the protagonist is human. He’s proven to be an incredibly popular choice, especially since the choices for female protagonists in ME2 are either Garrus, the token black guy, or Tragic Dying Fish-Face Man. Our Intergalactic Man of Mystery is really the only natural choice left to you if you’re playing a female character.
I mean, let’s be serious, you weren’t holding out for the return of Kaidan Alenko in ME3, were you? And I know there’s no way you Virmire’d him, not when presented with a choice between him and Ashley Williams – she’s just a grunt, while Kaidan’s a powerful biotic, and an officer to boot; he’s just more valuable than one more soldier. I mean seriously, who the hell rescues Ashley?
Well, no matter who you ultimately chose to save in the first game, I’d toss them both off a cliff if it came down to choosing between them and the Great Calibrator. I’m a Garrus man all the way.
That really didn’t come out right, did it?