Bromance: it’s not just for real people any more.

The hero Omega deserves.

Yes, yes they do.

Look at this magnificent bastard right here.  Just look at him.  This massive mountain of turian tumescence, one Garrus Vakarian, is my hero, and not just because he takes artillery fire from a mercenary gunship to the face and gets right back up on his goddamn two-toed taloned raptor feet; no, it’s because he is the hero Omega deserves.

For everyone who doesn’t know what the fuck I’m going on about, I’m talking about one of my favorite characters from the Mass Effect video game series.  ME3 just dropped, and Vaughn R. Demont, my good friend, colleague, and popular urban fantasy author, did me a solid by picking me up a copy.  He had an ulterior motive, of course – he wants me on his ME3 multiplayer team – but that doesn’t change the fact that when my copy of the game gets here on Friday, I’m clearing my goddamn schedule, locking the doors, putting on some mood music, and kicking my bromance off with Garrus once more.

At this point you’re probably asking yourself why is this weird dude with heel spurs and creepy mandibles so worthy of adulation?  Actually, you’re more likely asking yourself why the fuck do I keep reading this blog but we both know the answer to that: you’re bored, and I’m lonely.  So very, very lonely.

LL Cool G

Anyway, anyone with a lick of sense can plainly see that Garrus is the only real option when it comes to the much-needed “bro” in the Mass Effect universe.  Okay okay okay, I hear all you Urdnot Wrex fanboys shouting, but you know what?  Shut the hell up.  Wrex only cameos in ME2 and that’s only if you don’t get him killed in 1, so he simply can’t fill that role across the entire trilogy in the same way Garrus can.  Besides, Garrus is pretty much the god damned Batman of the Mass Effect universe.  He doesn’t have superhuman strength like a krogan or fancy biotic magic powers like an asari – all he has is his training, his gear, and his resolve to fuck shit up as much as he can for the bad guys, bringing them to justice even when they’re outside the law.

Can it wait a minute?

I'm gonna calibrate dat ass.

Once you’ve gotten through to Garrus in-game and arrived at bro-tier status with him, you’re pretty much unstoppable.  This is especially true in ME2 during the infamous “suicide mission” endgame, where you can end up seriously screwing yourself if you haven’t spent enough time working on the loyalty of your squadmates beforehand: putting the wrong characters in charge or putting them in charge without securing their loyalty can lead to deaths left and right, yet a loyal Garrus can handle nearly anything you throw at him, such as when you need a leader for a secondary fire team as you battle your way inside.   Not only that, but on the way in, his constant calibrations to your ship’s weapons (as long as you’ve upgraded them) can save your bacon, as not doing so will end up with people dying on your squad before you even put boots to floor.

Garrus Vakarian: Intergalactic man of mystery.

True story.

But even more important than that is that Garrus is a total ladies’ man.  The Mass Effect series is known for its squadmate romance subplots, and in ME2 Garrus became a romance option for female main characters, even though he’s turian and the protagonist is human.  He’s proven to be an incredibly popular choice, especially since the choices for female protagonists in ME2 are either Garrus, the token black guy, or Tragic Dying Fish-Face Man.  Our Intergalactic Man of Mystery is really the only natural choice left to you if you’re playing a female character.

Garrus friends you on Facebook right before he kills you.

This is funnier if you've seen The Social Network.

I mean, let’s be serious, you weren’t holding out for the return of Kaidan Alenko in ME3, were you?  And I know there’s no way you Virmire’d him, not when presented with a choice between him and Ashley Williams – she’s just a grunt, while Kaidan’s a powerful biotic, and an officer to boot; he’s just more valuable than one more soldier.  I mean seriously, who the hell rescues Ashley?

Well, no matter who you ultimately chose to save in the first game, I’d toss them both off a cliff if it came down to choosing between them and the Great Calibrator.  I’m a Garrus man all the way.

That really didn’t come out  right, did it?


8 thoughts on “Bromance: it’s not just for real people any more.

  1. Look, It’s legal in NY to be Married to Garrus, so, more power to you my Alien lover.

    When you play ME3 do yourself a favor and try and listen to all of Blasto 6, Fucking hilarious.

    OK lets see… (SPOILER FOR ME2 warning).

    Frankly, I liked just about the whole cast. I found myself (as a Dude looking for a Straight Bromance) looking most forward to Mordin, Thane, and Garrus’ dialogues.

    For compadre in Arms, I usually took Garrus when available for several key reasons, Including – the fact that I played as a Vanguard, and he plugged my ranged hole, plus he was good Vs either armor or Shields, I forget.

    Tali was my other fav, she had that nice thick ass… Accent. Thick ass accent… Yeah, that’s it.

    For romances?

    ME1 was Liera… It was either her or Ashley, and Ashley just kinda wasn’t my type. Don’t call me Skipper… Know what I mean?

    Liara in ME1 wasn’t a strong choice, I didn’t pine away for her, but I will say all the dancers in the clubs made me wanna see blue ass at least once.

    ME2 however was a real treat, for us men folk we had no less than Barbie hot, psycho hot, exotic hot, and MILF hot, and Scary hot to choose from.

    Barbie Hot being Miranda… Blah. Not for me. I’d only hit that in real life to get a chance to wipe the smirk off her face and brag to Joker about it. Dead last for Romance.

    Psycho Hot = Jack, that bitch had issues and baggage. I know she was pitiable inside, and she hat some hotness… But she reminded too much of Vin Diesel in Chick Form, several of my scary Ex Girlfriends (I’m looking at you Donna from Maryland), and I have a feeling she smelled like Cigarette buts, Old beer, with an undercurrent of overall Armpit BO. Still, all that considered I’d rate this the 3rd best romo in the game.

    Exotic Hot = Tali. Tali also qualifies partially for Lolita hot, as she is too young and impressionable for you in ME1. In ME2 there is something so wrong, and also so right about screwing the female alien version of a bubble boy. Best romance in ME2 by far.

    MILF HOT = This was a close second to tali in my book and it was that Asari matriarch Samara – She has a combination of scary uncompromising ethics, bitch boots, and mystical flare that makes you think dirty thoughts.

    Scary Hot = Morinth by far has the most amusing Sex scene in the game, but the fact that you pay the ultimate price for trying… Well, I guess it’s better to be coming and going at the same time rather than some other ways I saw my Male Shep die.

    Without giving anything about ME3 away, I will say that it’s a better game than 2, but very much the same playstyle.

    The action sequences feel shorter, and more confusing. Whereas ME2 the action felt EXTREMELY linear, in ME3 the action is linear (few choices), but spread out on a bigger map that might have you running back and forth a bit more.

    I feel like the dialogues are a bit less deep, but there are more background dialogues between people you walk past. It pays to listen to them because you get journal entries and missions just from evesdropping. Some of the stories are funny as hell too.

    The combat so far feels tight, but also a bit more challengeing. In ME2, normal difficulty was almost too easy. In this one I find myself cutting it close more often than I like to admit.

    Hacking and Lockpicking are gone. Completely. This is both good (more streamlined gameplay), and bad (less puzzle elements and no sense of achievement for finding rare loot.).

    The game feels a bit empty without all the familiar faces from ME2. Judging from the size of the Squad lineup screen, we wont be seeing 12 companions this time out. 8 tops is my guess, and I have 5 of them already.

    There is a new male character who annoys the shit out of me. Gone is the Token Black guy (who I kinda liked) and IN is the Token Hispanic GROUP of guys. It only bothers me because of how over the top they try to make these guys feel.

    I mean, how often do I run into an INDIAN character, that looks and sounds about as ethnic as MR Rogers. OR a Chinese person who sounds about as oriental as German National Anthem. But the hispanic guy/s don’t just have the name, or a slight accent. No… They have freaking mohawks and use the spanglish LINGO… and they USE it badly, like a white guy would use it…

    James – Your a boring 2 dimensional, Token afterthought Character and whatever Hack wrote you in, needs therapy.

    About the only thing he’s really good for, is to do peck pops like Dwayne Johnson and use ethnic sounding terms like Loco every chance they get.

    Oh well… Even Dating Simulator 3, I mean ME3 cannot be perfect I suppose.

    • The Garrus/Mordin combination always made me happy. Mordin is hysterical, especially if you can get him to sing Rogers & Hammerstein in his lab close to the end of the game.

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  5. Disappointing ending aside, ME3 is a fun game. But, as fun as it was, it still had other major letdowns that helped it to leave a bitter aftertaste in my mouth; character face import issues, the emphasis on multiplayer, lack of the promised in-depth character development, and lack of exploration. I understand that every game has its issues, but ME3 wasn’t supposed to be the typical “every” game, it was supposed to be the grand finale to one of the greatest video game series ever made. ME3 ends up being the finale that isn’t so grand, and remember-able for the wrong reasons. I expected a lot out of this game, maybe too much, but I think I can safely say that even if I had set low expectations for it,I still would have been let down by it.

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