This is why we can’t have nice things.

Home of the Big Mick.

Maybe they'll let me wash the lettuce some day!

So you  may have noticed that I had to trundle my ass down to the local McDowell’s last night in order to hedge my bets in case the power didn’t come back on.  Well, lo and behold, it finally did; MetEd told us that it’d be back up and running by 6 PM on Sunday and it wasn’t back until around 11:30.  Hey, better late than never, right?  Tell that to the guy who was in charge of finding a car with a roof for JFK.

So we get home last night after going out to watch the Walking Dead season finale at a friend’s house, and one of the damn computers won’t turn back on.  Now, we’ve had problems with this thing in the past; I built it in mid-2009 with what I thought were high-quality parts, including a Core i7 processor, but I’ve already had to replace the motherboard to the tune of way too much god damned money, so I was seriously concerned something else had gone tits-up on the inside of the chassis.

It was cheap at the time.

My secret shame.

I had my suspicions that it was the power supply, since all the motherboard LEDs would come on but I couldn’t get it to power up, even if I shorted the jumper cables, so I did whatever any other red-blooded American would do – I cursed, a lot, and dismantled the other computer, a behemoth from two hardware cycles ago that I used for work and that was bought off a good friend in order to replace my ailing 1st generation Mac Mini (are you sensing a pattern yet?).

I pulled the 400-watt power supply out of my rat bastard computer, was completely and utterly surprised to see that I actually had SATA power connectors in it, and jury-rigged it up to the newer computer.  The damn thing POSTed without a problem, so I yanked the “high quality” 500 watt one out of the case (screw you, Rosewill), and put everything back together.

Digital Vaginal Interface.

It haunts me.

I plugged all my my peripherals back into the computer and booted it up once more – only to stare, puzzled, at the big sexy 21″ flatscreen monitor that just said NO DVI SIGNAL on it before going into power save mode.  Confused, I checked the DVI connector at the back of the computer; that was in tight.  Still no dice – I went in and wiggled the 6-pin connector on my video card; it was seated properly.  I even unplugged it and then made sure it was firmly in there before trying again – still nothing.

Bottom's up, motherfuckers!

Not pictured: Xanax, plummeting self-worth.

At this point, I had gone from annoyed to hopeful to confused and was rapidly approaching “handful of Xanax and half a bottle of wine” mode.  I couldn’t figure out what the hell I had done wrong – had I fucked up somewhere along the way?  I checked each and every connector twice, thrice, four score and seven times; I swore, I begged, I threatened, I cajoled – I began to doubt my abilities as a computer technician and even as a man.  How can I satisfy a woman when I can’t even get a fucking computer to work? I thought.  Is this why my fiancée insists on putting a bag over my head whenever we have sex?

You smug son of a bitch.

Proof of my idiocy.

Finally, in a last-ditch effort to avoid castrating myself with a melon baller in despair, I took a flashlight and went over every god damned inch of the motherboard like the first jeweler to appraise the Hope Diamond, and there it was, leering up at me, large as life and twice as ugly: an empty 4-pin auxiliary power socket.

I hung my head in shame and plugged the fucking thing in.  The computer booted up without a hitch, and the screen sprang to life; I quietly replaced the side panel and contemplated whether I should go slam my junk in the refrigerator door a few times as penance for the idiot mistake.

I just came in second in the Special Olympics.

Truth in advertising.

Long story short: The i7 is working just fine.  My old work computer is missing a power supply, and I really don’t see why I should go buy another one to replace it, considering it’s more worn and tired than a geisha’s vagina.  I’d already had plans to replace it in June, when my biennial bonus check comes in – I guess my fiancée and I will just have to share this one until then.  Just goes to show you that you can lead an idiot to water but you can’t necessarily make him drink.


8 thoughts on “This is why we can’t have nice things.

  1. I had a good one a few months ago, that now makes me feel like a confused moron.

    My desktop died. I knew the HD was going, but it finally gave up. I swapped drives to re-image it, and it wouldn’t boot….so I booted from a LIVE linux CD, and couldn’t get to a desktop….Then it stopped booting to CD period without throwing errors and crashing….So I did what any self respecting tech would do, I used my laptop for a few months. Now I want to start writing music on my PC, so I had to figure out what was wrong and rebuild it. I ran a full barrage of tests overnight to see WTF was up with it……….aaaaaaand they all passed…?!?!?!?! So I put in my Win7 install disc and it loaded up perfectly and is now up and running.

    I have no idea what happened, why it wouldn’t start before, or why the lapse in time mattered…but in the end, it works, so fuck it…who cares!

    • I can’t tell you how many “fuck it, it works” moments I’ve had. I think I actually taped an empty jewelry gift box to the inside of a chassis once to stop the case from vibrating.

  2. Pingback: Windows Vista can choke on a million dicks. « Amateur Professional

  3. Pingback: Fear and self-loathing in 64-bit quad-core architecture. « Amateur Professional

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