Of all the shit she’s has had to put up with in her life, the fact that George Lucas Jedi mind tricked a young and inexperienced Carrie Fisher out of the rights to her own likeness in regards to Star Wars merchandising is probably the icing on the cake. It’s led to some absolutely awful, vile, truly heinous garbage, and the new Kinect Star Wars must be like getting a Cleveland Steamer without the aid of Saran Wrap for poor Carrie.
This woman has put up with enough shit. For christ’s sake, she was married to Paul Simon and she needs electroconvulsive therapy (two things that are probably related, if you ask me), and now she’s got to deal with yet another generation of sweaty nerds staring at a graphical representation of her nearly naked body in the Slave Leia outfit – only this time, she’s actually dancing.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen; one of the core components of Kinect Star Wars is a Dance Central-style minigame where you dance to horrible Star Wars filksong versions of “popular” music while controlling Star Wars universe characters like a Twi’lek dancer and Leia Fucking Organa (emphasis on the fucking, by the way she shakes her anorexic hips in front of Jabba). It’s laughably bad on so many levels that I can only hope that the game ends up taking up acres of landfill space like the E.T. game for the Atari 2600.
Not that I have the money to spare at the moment what with a big fat Jewish wedding looming on the horizon, but I’d seen the commercials for Kinect Star Wars saturating the airwaves over the past few days, and since we’ve got a Kinect hooked up to our Xbox 360 in the living room, I thought maybe it would be kind of cool to save up for a copy sometime in the future. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t want to be a goddamn Jedi Knight? I’ve already got the lightsaber and everything (constructed by hand in the gift shop attached to the Star Tours ride down in Disney Studios, so you know I’m legit). Naturally I looked into some reviews and YouTube videos in order to see what kind of reception it was getting, but imagine my horror when stumbling upon this highly polished turd on the interwebs:
Listen, I’m not above laughing or poking fun at a beloved science fiction franchise, but it’s got to be done right – there’s a reason Spaceballs is one of my favorite movies, after all – but this Saturday Night Live-level bad, and I’m talking recent SNL, minus the Lonely Island videos.
I watched this entire video with my jaw on the desk and my palm firmly pressed to my forehead. I can only hope that Carrie Fisher hasn’t been subjected to footage of this grotesque marionette wearing her face dry-humping on the dance floor to butchered Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani songs. It was even worse when I realized other songs feature characters such as Han Solo and Boba Fett (Boba dances to a Village People song, I shit you not, though watching his stormtrooper backup dancers is pretty funny), but I had to admit a stab of perverse glee to see Lando Calrissian dancing to a cover of Jamiroquai’s “Canned Heat.” That might make me racist, though, so I don’t know if I should admit that – and I know I definitely shouldn’t bring up Godzilla versus Disco Lando again.
I guess when you’ve got boatloads of cash like George Lucas, you don’t care if you pull a Star Wars Christmas Special. Well, Lucasfilm has to make up for the fiscal loss from Red Tails somehow, I suppose; it’s amazing how much you can get out of a dead horse if you just keep beating it. The best part? As I’m writing this blog post, I get some spam mail in my inbox telling me to go out and buy Kinect Star Wars. You can’t make this shit up, folks.
Seriously, to hell with George Lucas, him and his big fat turkey-necked beard. He hasn’t put out a good movie since THX-1138.