He Is Risen… and he hungers for your flesh!

Things would be so much easier around here if Jesus would have just stayed dead.

What Would Zombie Jesus Do?

Well, here we are again, folks – another year has rolled around, and Jesus of Nazareth – the O.G. of zombies – has risen from his grave once more.  Easter is definitely my favorite holiday, considering the entire Christian world is pretty much celebrating the rise of Patient Zero of the Zombie Apocalypse, and it just makes me giggle whenever I see “He Is Risen” appearing on one of those church signs as I drive by.  It also makes me want to reach for a shotgun.

I just cremed my Cadbury Eggs.

You're not gonna fit in my Easter basket, sister.

I’m not purposefully trying to be offensive to any readers that happen to be of one of the many Christian faiths – the Catholics, the Lutherans, the Greek Orthodox, the Calvinists, the Quakers, the Methodists, the Baptists, the Episcopalians, the Free Presbyterians, the Locked Up Presbyterians, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Mormons, and the Jews for Jesus of the world – but, I mean, c’mon.  One of your most sacred holidays celebrates a man that rises from his grave and goes around fucking with people for a few days before disappearing, and then you go around commemorating it by gorging on Cadbury Creme Eggs and buying pet bunny rabbits for your kids that end up neglected after the novelty wears off in a few weeks.

I bet you there's Rumpleminze in that cup.

About as Semitic as Kurt Waldheim.

I mean, you can’t even get the poor guy’s name or image right.  A radical rabbi – really, some poor schmuck from Nazareth, a brown-skinned Semite named Yeshua ben Yusuf – gets nailed to a cross by the Romans almost 2,000 years ago because he was branded as an agitator by the Pharisees, and all of a sudden he’s being played by blonde-haired, blue-eyed, whiter-than-white crackers at the movies?

Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty Heebs!

Oh, shit -Spaceballs. There goes the planet.

Don’t think the Jews are getting off scott-free, though.  I mean, let’s face it, Passover (otherwise known as the Jewish Brown Food Festival) often falls in close proximity to Easter, and if I have to sit through one more god damned viewing of The Ten Commandments I’m going to dress up one of my cats like Nefertiri and start taking pin-up pictures for I Can Haz Cheezburger (fun fact: did you know Anne Baxter was one of Frank Lloyd Wright’s granddaughters?  I know, what the fuck, right?).  Charlton Heston, a man who rose to power playing famous Jews in both Ten Commandments and also Ben Hur, was fucking Scottish (he was also born with the name John Carter; somewhat fitting for a person who became the president of the Natinal Rifle Association, but that’s neither here nor there).

Anyway, whatever your chosen religious beliefs, just remember that I think you’re all crazy I love and respect each and every one of you.  Religious differences should be celebrated for their diversity and never be used as justification for hate or discrimination.  Just watch out for Zombie Jesus if you’re going to church this Easter Sunday – after all, he is risen.


9 thoughts on “He Is Risen… and he hungers for your flesh!

  1. So let me get this straight: you’re not actually disputing the fact that he is Risen, are you?

    And yeah, Happy Easter/Pesach!

  2. Sometime between his 12th and 30th birthday, jesus went to india and studied the vedas. He returned to the middle east an enlightened monk and as budhism is not a “religion” so much as a way of life he was able to apply it to his jewish faith. The healers of ancient india were reknowed and this, plus the power of word of mouth and superstition, allowed jesus to appear to have powers. His apostles were students of his.

    When jesus was turned into a religious pinup doll his meditative yogi powers gave him the ability to fake death and his healing skills gave him a shot at life. Jesus was an exceptional crucifiction, in that he spent a very short time on the cross when he was taken down. And seven days of rest is about right, if ur recovering from the worst effects of stab wounds. He could theoretically have knitted enough to be moved and be seen.

    This is not just a neat story, there is historical evidence backing it up. Thereis even more to the story, but I’m tinfoil hat wearer. So no one will take what I say seriously anyway. Lol

    • I didn’t want to be That Guy, you know? I mean I think most people know there were no egg-laying rabbits sipping wine from the Holy Grail, no matter what South Park says.

  3. I am a staunch Easter follower. Each year My family comes to my house we pray:

    Lord, let these planks nailed to the door and windows keep out our zombie messiah.

    Oh, God, please do not make me have to put down anyone I love Shaun of The Dead style.

    Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

  4. Pingback: Daughter of a King « Love, Life and Law

  5. Pingback: I need Patented Zombie Face Fucker Technology™. « Amateur Professional

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