Well, here we are again, folks – another year has rolled around, and Jesus of Nazareth – the O.G. of zombies – has risen from his grave once more. Easter is definitely my favorite holiday, considering the entire Christian world is pretty much celebrating the rise of Patient Zero of the Zombie Apocalypse, and it just makes me giggle whenever I see “He Is Risen” appearing on one of those church signs as I drive by. It also makes me want to reach for a shotgun.
I’m not purposefully trying to be offensive to any readers that happen to be of one of the many Christian faiths – the Catholics, the Lutherans, the Greek Orthodox, the Calvinists, the Quakers, the Methodists, the Baptists, the Episcopalians, the Free Presbyterians, the Locked Up Presbyterians, the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the Mormons, and the Jews for Jesus of the world – but, I mean, c’mon. One of your most sacred holidays celebrates a man that rises from his grave and goes around fucking with people for a few days before disappearing, and then you go around commemorating it by gorging on Cadbury Creme Eggs and buying pet bunny rabbits for your kids that end up neglected after the novelty wears off in a few weeks.
I mean, you can’t even get the poor guy’s name or image right. A radical rabbi – really, some poor schmuck from Nazareth, a brown-skinned Semite named Yeshua ben Yusuf – gets nailed to a cross by the Romans almost 2,000 years ago because he was branded as an agitator by the Pharisees, and all of a sudden he’s being played by blonde-haired, blue-eyed, whiter-than-white crackers at the movies?
Don’t think the Jews are getting off scott-free, though. I mean, let’s face it, Passover (otherwise known as the Jewish Brown Food Festival) often falls in close proximity to Easter, and if I have to sit through one more god damned viewing of The Ten Commandments I’m going to dress up one of my cats like Nefertiri and start taking pin-up pictures for I Can Haz Cheezburger (fun fact: did you know Anne Baxter was one of Frank Lloyd Wright’s granddaughters? I know, what the fuck, right?). Charlton Heston, a man who rose to power playing famous Jews in both Ten Commandments and also Ben Hur, was fucking Scottish (he was also born with the name John Carter; somewhat fitting for a person who became the president of the Natinal Rifle Association, but that’s neither here nor there).
Anyway, whatever your chosen religious beliefs, just remember that
I think you’re all crazy I love and respect each and every one of you. Religious differences should be celebrated for their diversity and never be used as justification for hate or discrimination. Just watch out for Zombie Jesus if you’re going to church this Easter Sunday – after all, he is risen.