Rape: it’s just not for prison any more.

Didn't even buy me dinner first.

My ass hurts.

My ass was stinging yesterday before leaving to return home from New York for Easter/Passover weekend.  It’s almost like I paid someone $20 to sodomize me with a gasoline pump nozzle and then they stopped halfway to my prostate.  I guess at $4.15 a gallon, you take what you can get.

Unleaded only.  I ain't made of money!

You can only afford 1 Molotov Cocktail per riot at these gas prices.

How have there not been gas riots yet?  Moreover, how have people not risen up as one and slain every overpaid asshole that makes marketing decisions in this country and around the world? I don’t know how people in countries that use the metric system do it – the average price of unleaded in the EU is €1.59 – at the current conversion rate, that’s $2.09 a  liter, which is less than half a gallon.

This bitch be trippin, yo.

"Customer Service" is Latin for "fuck 'em when they're down."

It’s not just the asshole oil companies that will bend you over and “service the customer,” either.   99% of companies that provide some sort of good or service basically go tell you to fuck your own face when it comes to providing value that’s on par with their product.  Even mega-bastard retailers like Wal-Mart with their 18 pairs of underwear for $2.99 are awful – have you ever actually purchased anything from Wal-Mart that didn’t immediately disintegrate upon the second or third use?  My fiancée bought a pair of pantyhose from them so she could wear something when she went to try on wedding gowns this weekend, and she practically got rug burn from them because they were so rough.  Apparently Wal-Mart just uses a hot glue gun to cement two burlap sacks together before packaging the whole thing in shrink wrap and selling it to clueless fucks on their way to David’s Bridal.

Even “good” companies pull this shit.  This is everywhere in the game industry, regardless if you’re a giant asshole developer like EA or if you’re one with a relatively good reputation like ArenaNet – would you believe that a physical copy of a computer game upon release is often the exact same price of a digital copy of the same game?

Completely 100% accurate.

For an extra $10 we'll sell you a pair of eyes to look at the painting with!

I can understand the price of a physical game.  You’ve got all these production costs, like pressing DVDs, packaging them in little jewel cases, shrink-wrapping them and bundling them together with the rest of the packaging, then shipping them out to retailers who take a cut of the proceeds, so a $60 game doesn’t return nearly that much to a developer or publisher.  Why the actual fuck are you charging me $59.99 plus tax for a digital copy of a game, then?  The thing has no goddamn costs to produce in comparison to a physical boxed copy!  It’s essentially just a stream of binary electrical impulses transmitted over the internet.  You’ve got balls of steel trying to justify a marketing decision like that.  Not only that, but the game will probably ship with additional content that’s locked behind a pay gate, but is billed as “Day One DLC.”

Those nipples could take an eye out.

Bob had bitch tits.

So why do consumers put up with this shit?  People aren’t really that stupid, are they?  I mean we’ve all done it before – we’re essentially voting against our best interest, either with our dollars or at the ballot box when it comes time to vote the next fuckhead into office so they can sink the country deeper into shit.  Sometimes I just want to sit people down Clockwork Orange style and make them watch Fight Club over and over again before releasing them into the wild.  I’d sit down on my patio with a big fucking glass of lemonade and a box of cigars and just listen to the news reports roll in of people fire bombing Bank of America and the US Senate.

It's only funny if you're raping a clown.

Hey, rape isn't funny!

Shit, I just said the words “fire bombing” and “US Senate” in the same sentence, didn’t I?  I guess tomorrow’s post will be all about the quality of the food in Guantanamo Bay.

Could be worse.  At least I’ll get all the prison sex I could ever possibly want.


6 thoughts on “Rape: it’s just not for prison any more.

  1. Hangins too good for em’
    Burnin’s too good for em!

    I personally hope that when the revolution starts, they set up a giant slide like at the amusement park, but instead of it being a slide, its a cheese grater. They can even have a little burlap sack to sit on. At the end of the slide is a vat of flaming lemon juice that is boiling hot. If the scumbags behind all this can survive the ride and swim, they get to live.

    It would all be televised live on tv of course.

    • No no no, basic alchemy. First you take lemon juice, and bring it to a boil, Next you take a ton of diesel fuel oil and pour it all over the top, this will create a hot oil slick. Then you light a match and toss it in and watch as the bankers writhe in it.

  2. Pretty soon it will be cheaper just to stuff dollar bills into your gas tank and make your car a steam engine.

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