The most awkward thing in the world. Ever. EVER.

Oh dear god it burns.

Awkward like your 8th grade formal dance.

So I had finally gotten all the pieces of my costume together for this weekend and I had decided to put it together and test it out.  Boy was that a painful experience.

I am a suave mother fucker.

Now, on paper, it’s a pretty solid outfit.  In fact, many of the pieces I had already, just from years of accumulated Halloween costumes and stuff like that, and looking down at all the gathered accoutrements at my disposal – not just the shield I finished this past weekend, but a pair of leather bracers, boots, and gloves, along with the kind of belt you’d see someone walking around with at your local renaissance fair (or someplace like, say, Medieval Times) – I had only had to borrow a couple of items: a tunic large enough for me, a hand-me-down leather breastplate that was both too big for me and too small for me at the same time (how the hell does that happen?), and some weird purple hood-mantle thing.  The results were, well… look for yourself.  It ain’t pretty.

Beastmaster's main competition in the early '80s for best worst fantasy movie.

Dammit, my spare longsword shrunk in the wash again.

As soon as I saw the picture of how I looked, I was immediately mortified.  Oh God, I thought.  I’m going to be laughed right off the campground this weekend.  I just winced and immediately slipped into the kind of deep, abject depression usually reserved for really serious life-shattering issues, like when George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004 or when Firefly was cancelled by Fox.  How is anyone supposed to take me seriously?  I look like a reject from Krull.

I just kept staring and staring at that image on my digital camera.  All I could see in my head was that poor pudgy little kid with a bowl haircut and his blanket tied in a knot around his neck.  You know the one I’m talking about.

Oh man, a Power Glove! So jealous.

And then of course the next image that popped into my mind was the next-gen version of the same kid, all grown up:

Nicholas Angel, the awkward teenage years.

It takes a tough man to shove a piece of pink plastic down his pants.

Of course what I was truly afraid of is that people would only just see this whenever they saw me this weekend:

By "anorexia" I mean "children" - and by "beat" I mean "eat."

You better believe it.

I may just take an early lunch tomorrow and hang myself in the bathroom.


18 thoughts on “The most awkward thing in the world. Ever. EVER.

  1. wow dude, give yourself some credit. That’s not the worst larpfit ever, actually its quite good. Just remember, its a weekend long event, your going to be sweating, and that thing has layers, and leather. Beware the stinking cloud proc your tunic might become enchanted with by the end of the event.

    Overal u did great, you actually look more lotr cosplay than anything, and if you had time to make a paper machet horn of gondor or something it might be cool.

    Just remember to strap on your glasses or some twirly duel wielding fuck will spin around like a top and slap em off your head. Lol

    Anyway relax u look fine.

    • Thank you for the words of encouragement! Considering how the tunic, mantle, and armor are all loaners, these things will probably change if I end up doing this more often.

      I’m also planning on going back to contact lenses if this keeps up too. Nothing more goofy than dressing like a medieval serf while wearing modern glasses.

  2. Oh, and those bracers are going to chaff like a mofo aftedr three days of larp combat if they arnt backed with something soft. Trust me, I know from experience.

  3. Don’t worry man, somewhere out there is a nerd who’ll still nail you, possibly while you’re wearing that outfit. That someone is called your fiancee. Now go “thank her” for that like you did when you downed Shade of Aran for the first time.
    God was THAT an awkward moment in TeamSpeak…

  4. Totally honest? The only thing that looks awkward is the breastplate. I’m not sure what about it doesn’t quite fit the outfit, but I suspect it’s the red/black color under the purple mantle. Otherwise, you look fine! I think the shield came out beautifully. I will second Dan’s suggestion of lining those bracers though. While I’ve never larped, I have worn leather cuffs to shows and gotten sweaty and by the end of the night I was crying. Shouldn’t be too hard to line those with something.

    • Well, like I said, it’s a loaner, so beggars can’t be choosers! Considering I’m playing a character class that’s going to get hit a lot, showing up without some sort of armor is kind of like installing a screen door in a submarine. Hopefully I can find a less aesthetically-displeasing option for the future if I keep this up.

  5. I also agree with Dan and Jackie. The breastplate. It should go lower. The mantle should be a different color, since the purple in it doesn’t match any other parts of the outfit. The red in the breastplate matches the red in the shield, so that’s fine, it’s just not lengthy enough or not pulled down enough. Otherwise, it’s perfectly fine, and if you were mocked in any way I’d be highly surprised. Oh, and I third the motion to pad the inside of the bracers. I’ve done it too, and you’ll end up looking like a burn victim if you don’t line them….

  6. I actually rather like the outfit! And you know what a hernia I can have over non-matching attire and color chaos. You definitely don’t have to hang yourself, and it’s waaaay better than most first-attempt larping outfits I and mooore than willing to bet.

  7. Did u line the bracers yet? Don’t forget to line the bracers. U can probably make makeshift padding using a pant leg, that might look cool under those bracers and not be permanent as it will be wrapped around your arm more like an ace bandage.

    • Well it’s probably going to be kinda cold this weekend, so I was thinking of some sort of long-sleeve shirt under everything that I’ll put those bracers on over in order to stop them from chafing. Barring that, I’ll probably cannibalize an old pair of something that doesn’t fit any more to make some padding.

  8. Dave, you look awesome. There are dozens of LARPS where you can find 12 year olds running around in sweatshirts. Legacy is not one of those, (lol) but your garb will fit right in with everyone else’s.

    Who cares if certain articles don’t match, it’s your first time larping and most of your stuff is borrowed. Other LARPERS get that. If I could
    show you a 2 year before and after photo of my equinox character, you would shocked. Gaining garb over time is part of the hobby.

    See you soon.

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