Suck it, Edward Cullen: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes just kicked your ass.

"And we didn't even have to use a Mormon."

“Hey Cap, you heard we’re awesome, right?”

Well, the verdict is in: the Avengers movie broke all kinds of records this weekend.  As someone whose patronage entitles me to $25 worth of responsibility for those smashed records (0.0000125 percent of that total is my money, goddammit, and I’m going to be proud of that investment), I’d just like to take a moment to personally flip every single Twilight fan out there a big, fat middle finger: my movie beat your movie’s opening weekend, and is going to easily finish off your total worldwide gross in a matter of weeks.  So go fuck yourselves, you insipid glittery Mormon vampire lovers.

Totally not Photoshopped.  Really.

OH SO SEXY

Let’s break this down: The Avengers earned about $208 million domestically in its opening weekend.  The latest Twilight movie, Breaking Wind Dawn Part One, only raked in $138 million domestically over its own opening weekend.  Not only that, but the entire take to date for Breaking Dawn over three and a half months only amounts to about $281 million, and Avengers is going to doubtlessly smash that record quite handily in just another weekend or so.  Which means that superheroes are now objectively more awesome than mealy-mouthed vampire wannabes.

Hey George, how's it feel to be replaced, you flanneled asshole?

You better fucking believe it.

People vote with their wallets, and there’s simply no discounting the fact that American moviegoers would much rather spend their money on something actually entertaining instead of watching Kristen Stewart poker-face her way through yet another three-hour shitfest where she sits and waits around for some pale guy with a face that looks like it’s collapsing on its own black hole of a nose to bite her on the neck.  It also goes to show you that I was right in singing the praises of Joss Whedon, and now that he’s got what will soon to be one of the highest-grossing movies of all time under his belt as both a writer and a director, hopefully those asshole executives who cancelled both Firefly and Dollhouse just shat their bed in realization of how they royally fucked themselves over.

Fucking Spider-Mouse.

This is not cute. This is a fucking travesty.

The only bad thing about this is that Walt Disney Studios, the evil megacorp that recently bought out Marvel, is reaping the final financial benefit from this.  I have a serious love-hate relationship with the Mouse House, since for all their progressive hiring policies and support for marginalized groups such as LGBT employees, they mine Western myth and fable for money-making opportunities and almost invariably whitewash it to make it more palatable.  Anyone who’s read the original Grimm’s fairy tales can tell you that even Disney at its darkest is pretty god damned tame by comparison, and I have never been a fan of mutilating source material in order to make it more palatable to the unwashed masses in order to maximize your profit margin.  Not only that, but for a company that has built its reputation on a family-friendly aesthetic, they own a shit-ton of business ventures – and many of them are pretty risqué (every single date-rape movie ever produced by Lifetime, for instance).

First Avenger fisting giant asshole.

Arbeit macht fuckheads, der Fuhrer.

The victory is, then, slightly bittersweet.  However, the fact that a company founded by a not-so-secret anti-semite can now point to a movie featuring characters created by one of the hardest working Jews in the comic book industry as one of its greatest successes.  So much for Triumph of the Will.

So there you have it: not only are the Avengers cooler than Edward Cullen, but they’re better than the Third Reich, too.

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3 thoughts on “Suck it, Edward Cullen: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes just kicked your ass.

  1. Jackie, I would see it again it was that good. You let me know when you have a sitter.
    Dave, best line ever: “It also goes to show you that I was right in singing the praises of Joss Whedon, and now that he’s got what will soon to be one of the highest-grossing movies of all time under his belt as both a writer and a director, hopefully those asshole executives who cancelled both Firefly and Dollhouse just shat their bed in realization of how they royally fucked themselves over.”

  2. Do you think there’s a market for movie reviewers filled with righteous anger? Not any of that passive-aggressive bullshit, either – the kind of full-bore Biblical wrath that turns a rape into a murder?

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