James “Jase” Bolger, the Speaker of the Michigan State House of Representatives, is deathly afraid of the female reproductive system. This fear is a matter of public record, as he recently censured a state representative who had the temerity to say “vagina” on the floor of the House during an open debate on an anti-abortion bill.
You would think that a grown man wouldn’t be afraid of the word, considering that he most likely emerged from a vagina on his way out of his mother’s womb and has probably had intimate contact with his wife’s vagina on at least two occasions, considering he has two children. Of course, I could be wrong – maybe he was born by C-section, and perhaps he impregnated his wife through in-vitro fertilization or through the use of a surrogate – and in that case I could see why he would harbor an irrational fear of hearing about one.
I don’t know what he would have preferred State Representative Lisa Brown say as she referred to her vagina, as that is the accurate medical term to refer to the female reproductive tract. Perhaps Brown should have taken a page from George Carlin and regaled the man with as many of those words you can’t say on television that had a direct correlation to the vagina. I’m sure he would have appreciated her statement much better if she had told him, “I’m flattered that you’re all so concerned about my pink velvet sausage wallet, but no means no.” That would have avoided the whole mess, and I’m sure that without hearing the dreaded V-word, Speaker Bolger wouldn’t have gotten his panties in a bunch and censured her indefinitely.
Yes, indefinitely. Brown wasn’t permitted to speak in session the day after she made the comment, and considering how the House just adjourned for summer break, she’s effectively muzzleed until September, when the House begins its next session. “That’ll learn her for talkin’ about her dirty bits in public,” Speaker Bolger growled that evening, clutching his King James Bible to his chest as he slept next to his wife in a separate twin-size bed.
Brown wasn’t just being vulgar on the floor of the House for shits and giggles. Actually, she wasn’t being vulgar at all, but that’s besides the point – she was speaking out in protest to a new anti-abortion bill that was working its way through the Michigan legislature, one that was ostensibly designed ‘to protect women’ but is more likely to simply make it more expensive to run clinics due to tighter state regulations – something that will increase these clinics’ operating costs, which will in turn make medical insurance premiums go up even more. Not only that, but there was an amendment that had been proposed to the bill that would have made it illegal for a woman to have an abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy under any circumstances at all – including when the pregnancy was endangering the life of the mother. That amendment was tabled, but not before the first bill passed by a 70-39 vote, which means that the Michigan State Senate will now get to deal with it come September. Whether Brown will be permitted to open her mouth in the House at that point is anybody’s guess.
But this isn’t about Brown and her vagina, which I’m sure is very well-cared for and healthy, considering she’s given birth to three boys, which incidentally means she’s had sex at least three times to Bolger’s two. Unlike the Speaker of the House, who is a Catholic, Brown is Jewish and most likely enjoys having sex. Well, that’s not necessarily true – I’m sure Bolger likes having sex too, as long as there’s no vaginal involvement, though I’m not sure if masturbation is more sinful than having sex for anything besides procreation. This is a question that should be asked on the House floor, perhaps if Brown is ever allowed to say anything in his presence ever again.