I’d stick a jalapeño up my ass if someone paid me to do it.

That'll be $500 please.

Jalapeño goes here.

I came home this afternoon from a fun weekend up at Faire Play only to discover that WordPress is rolling out their new WordAds service, which is their scheme (and currently the only scheme) for monetizing blogs hosted here.  This immediately got me thinking of ways I could sell out, make a boatload of cash, and retire to the Cayman Islands before the Internal Revenue Service found me.

Hell, I'd sell my grandmother into white slavery for gas money.

Or gas money.

I know a lot of people out there will be absolutely disgusted with the idea of suckin’ on that ol’ golden teat, and for the most part I’m in agreement with that sentiment. Giving up your independence and becoming a corporate puppet just for a wheelbarrow full of $500 bills is morally repugnant to me, especially when it comes to artistic endeavors like writing and music. At the same time, it would be nice not to have to worry about having to choose between getting my car fixed and putting money towards my wedding, so it’s not always so cut-and-dry as all that.

Pizza Hut™ - We're Better Than Domino's!

I will gladly sell my soul for a slice of this delicious deep-dish pizza from Pizza Hut™.

I also don’t know if this WordAds thing would really make a difference in my finances in the long run. What do I get in exchange for allowing WordPress to plaster garish ads all over these pages, you ask?  Well, according to their FAQ, I’d get maybe a buck for every 1,000 page views, which means right now I’d be sitting on a whopping $16 bucks or so. Considering that I would have to pay $18 to get a custom domain name through WordPress first (as it’s a requirement in order to be eligible for the WordAds service), it seems kind of silly to me; then again, I have been kicking around the idea of getting a custom domain name anyway just for the benefit of my own ego; if I was already going to do it, why not try to make some of the cash back so the site at least pays for itself, right?

I do weddings and bar mitzvahs, too.

I’m gonna keep it real like a motherfucker.

I figure it’s just too slippery a slope to venture down.  All the cool kids might be doing it, but I don’t think I could live with myself for going down that route, not for any amount of money.  Sure, it’s fun, but you wouldn’t want any of your friends to see you doing it – it’s the societal equivalent of being caught riding a moped or working for the Nixon administration.  Of course shame at being caught really isn’t the right motivator, as that’s more about avoiding the kind of public ridicule you would receive for being caught with your pants down while you’re plowed from behind by a horny Spiro Agnew; I guess it might not sting as much if you’re sitting on your inflatable hemorrhoid pillow and looking over the trim options for your new Rolls Royce, but the real issue for me is sacrificing my soul for a few measly bucks.

I guess I’ll open it up to you guys – what do you think of the whole blog monetizing thing?  It’s one thing to self-promote, like mentioning whenever one of my new short stories is coming out, but it’s another to have ads running for some stupid shit that you and anyone who reads this regularly has no desire to see.  I’ve always been pretty resentful of intrusive and tacky ads on websites to the point where it’s become standard for me that I run AdBlock Plus as default, just so I don’t have to deal with it; where do you all stand?

Also, if I start a Kickstarter for putting a jalapeño up my ass, how much do you think I could raise?

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5 thoughts on “I’d stick a jalapeño up my ass if someone paid me to do it.

  1. If you think it will benefit you, go for it! It’s hard to say without seeing how big the ads are or where they will end up being placed on the page.

      • Looked at one of the sites that’s running them and it’s not too bad. Big banner across the top, banner on the side. No biggie.

        Look, if you were writing this blog post in a newspaper, you’d be making some oney off ad revenue. Right? So fuck us, the reader. If we aren’t going to pay you to write these, you should at least be able to pay for part of your interwebs with our eyehole readermajigs. Dagnabit!

  2. Pingback: That’s why they pay me the big bucks. « Amateur Professional

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