Because we’re idiots and we’ll buy anything.

Aeris?  Aerith?  Who gives a fuck, she's still dead.

Spoiler alert.

The big news yesterday (well, it was big news to me, unless you count the poor schmuck who actually got fired for doing his job) turned out to be that legendary game developer Square-Enix has finally caved to massive demand in order to re-release its seminal PlayStation-era game, Final Fantasy VII, on PC, complete with absolutely no new or updated graphics or gameplay except for a tacked-on achievement system, the ability to save you games to the cloud (har har) and some bullshit feature that will let you top off your health, mana, and in-game money – most likely for a real-money micro-transaction.  The only reason Square-Enix is doing this is apparently because FF7 fans are a bunch of fucking morons and they think we’ll buy anything as long as there’s a a pair of giant tits on the box.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

FF7 on PC: Now with cheats baked in! A bargain at $1.99 for 100,000 gil!

I am pretty well pissed off about this, as it feels like nothing more than a poorly-disguised cash grab.  I can’t believe that all the time and effort that went in to create some bogus, completely useless features like achievement-tracking and cloud saves and not into updating the 1997-era 3d graphics and sound.  Not only that, but implementing a real money cash shop?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If they sell this game for anything more than $10 I am going to start throwing Molotov cocktails through the windows of every Japanese embassy and consulate I can find.

A shitty port by late '90s standards - an even shittier one now.

Copyright 1998.

“But wait,” you might be saying, “it’s a pretty serious project porting a console game to the PC, isn’t it? I’m sure they spent a lot of time working on that conversion!”  Well, I’m sure they did – when they originally ported it to PC fourteen fucking years ago.  I know this because I’m one of those sick idiots who was so obsessed with FF7 that I ran out and bought the stupid PC version, even though I already had the original PlayStation discs in my possession.  The best part?  It wasn’t even that good a fucking port – it was buggy as hell and the music sounded like shit in comparison to the original digital audio.

If only I could translate my chocobo breeding skills into a way to make real money.

So many hours of my life, gone.

Yes, like nearly everyone of my generation, I spent countless hours hunched over my PlayStation controller, staring blearily into an old CRT television into the wee hours of the night and grinding like a mad cunt in order to take on the Ruby and Emerald Weapons.  I had not one, not two, but an entire stable filled with S-Class Gold Chocobos, and enough W-Summon, Mime, and Knights of the Round Materia to just sit back and go microwave some Hot Pockets or something during boss fights.  I scoured every god damned inch of that game on multiple playthroughs, and I wasn’t even the most obsessed out of my entire circle of friends; someone I know actually played so much that the elapsed play time on their game actually pinned itself at 99:99, so believe me when I say that my friends and I were balls-deep in FF7 back in its heyday.

We're down to 89 feet of pure money- quick, re-release FF7!

At the next Square-Enix board meeting…

Well, I’ll be damned if I’m paying for the same fucking game a third time in a row.  Those goofy bells and whistles hold absolutely no interest for me, and as I’ve got the entire game burned into my memory like a brand depicting the entire Board of Directors of Square-Enix laughing and lighting cigars with $100 bills, I’ll either find my PC copy – or my original PSX discs – if I want to revisit the heady days of my youth.  In fact (and this is something that was pointed out to me last night) the modding community has been hard at work on the PC version that came out a decade and a half ago, and judging from how the game looks on YouTube, Square-Enix can go suck on some big fat Materia if they think I’m going to throw any more of my cash down their gaping maw.

I’m still pissed off about Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, too.


5 thoughts on “Because we’re idiots and we’ll buy anything.

  1. I’m right there with you bro. FF7 is pretty much my favorite game of all time. I had it on PS1, and had super beefed up characters due to hours of gameplay as well. Then I lent my PS to a buddy of mine for a weekend, and his cousin came by, stole my memory card, and erased it. Needless to say, I wasn’t a happy camper.

    Later, I bought the PC version on ebay for like 15 bucks so I could install it on my laptop and play it at work during downtime, which is when I actually finished the game for the first time. I’ve since played it a bunch of times, and it’s pretty much timeless to me. One of those games that always makes me happy.

    That being said, it’s possible that they’re doing this in preparation for a full redux version to be released next gen. I know it’s wishful thinking, but I still have hopes. The only thing is, if they change it to reflect the animated short where cloud isn’t the one who throws Sephy into the mako, and instead Sephy jumps in himself, I’m gonna go fucking ballistic and burn squenix to the ground….then I’ll take my traveller’s checks to a competing resort….

    • Man, I would buy the shit out of a fully remastered HD remake of FF7. Hell, I’d buy the stupid collector’s edition. Twice.

      Are you listening, Squeenix?

  2. It was actually 99:59:59, but you get the idea. I’m surprised you remembered, but then again, when you brag you have 6 gold chocobos leveled to S-Class, and 3 sets of mastered Materia for EACH character (including the “secret” ones) I suppose that’s hard to forget.
    Which is funny, because as much as I play games, including the newer FF’s, I find them to be lacking in any sort of longevity playing. Yes there’s your standard “get to this level” or “collect # of X” but they’ve mapped it out for you already. There’s no need to think to yourself “I wonder what would happen if I combined X+Y, and strapped it onto my weapon?” The guesswork’s been taken out for you. Which I suppose is why we clocked in over 100’s of hours in this.
    Remastered version? Sure I’m in. I don’t think they’re ready for what I can break the game with though.

    • Some modern games try to recapture that sense of adventure and discovery with those goddamn Achievements, but they usually don’t reward insane shit like maxing out the game timer.

      • That’s because most modern games don’t have timers that have a cap anymore. Otherwise I would be all over that.

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