Hard Cider: proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I'm being health-conscious on my route to becoming unconscious!

Gluten Free? Nobody told me this was a health food!

Most alcoholic beverages taste like shit to me.  I’m not a fan of the taste of most kinds of wine, most hard liquors taste like fucking cough syrup to me, and beer – well, let’s just say drinking the majority of the beers available in America is like having sex in a canoe.  This makes it rare to find something that I can enjoy both for its taste and its ability to lead to hilarious inebriated antics, and Angry Orchard’s Apple Ginger Hard Cider fits the bill nicely.

Hipsters only bathe in Pabst Blue Ribbon.

This seemed like a good idea at the time.

I was introduced to Angry Orchard a few weeks ago, when my fiancée and I were invited to our next-door neighbors’ for  sampling.  Out came the little brown bottles, and I was skeptical at first: our neighbors brew their own beer and mead, and they’ve got a pretty refined palate when it comes to alcohol, so I was expecting some pretty exotic (or bizarre) flavors.  Alcohol’s always been a means to an end for me, and while there are drinks that I’ve enjoyed tasting, for the most part it’s more about just getting to the next one so I can speed up the process of eventually losing my pants and vomiting off a second-story balcony.

Shitty beer.  Shitty, shitty, shitty beer.

Type “shitty beer” in to Google Image Search. You’ll find this.

Color me surprised when I took my first sip and I was presented with a smooth flavor with just a hint of bite at the end from the ginger.  The bitterness of the alcohol was balanced out by the sweetness of the apple, but not to the point where it became syrupy or cloying; easily drinkable, the lightly-carbonated cider is eminently more flavorful than your typical pig-swill macrobrew while being much more mild than some of the craft beers you can find out there.  This isn’t a condemnation of microbrews, by the way, as I’ll take a craft beer with actual flavor over some horrorshow like Miller High Life or (God help us) Bud Light, but more of a personal preference – if you like high-flavor beers, you’re more than welcome to.  I’ll be over here in the corner with my Apple Ginger.

Frankie say relax.

B.Y.O.B.: Bring Your Own Beach.

My experience with the hard cider was enough to convince me to actually go out and buy a case for our own consumption last weekend.  This is a rarity, considering the price of alcohol, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that a case of 24 bottles came out to around $37 or so – a little over $1.50 a bottle – and it has served us well in the week that has followed.  There’s something incredibly rewarding about sitting outside on your patio, in the shade of a grapevine arbor, watching the barn cats play in the bushes in the heat of the afternoon and sipping one or two – or three – of these hard ciders after a long day, then gathering up your fallen soldiers once night falls and going back inside.  Beats just about anything else you can do with your clothes on.

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9 thoughts on “Hard Cider: proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.

  1. Speaking of booze, I have a similar problem you have with regard to flavor. I do not drink for flavor however. But when I do, its rum, meade, captain morgans, or some bitchy drink like a cider or wine cooler. As far as beer goes I’m strictly a fan of poundables. That is, beer that you can pound fast without really feeling the need to. Taste it like coors light. Or malt stuff like the good old getto forty (old english, cobra, colt 45 etc).

    Due to my size, heritage, and dwarven blood (I’m a really tall dwarf – I discovered this after deep reflection and ancestry.com), I found that getting me drunk is almost too expensive a task. I havnt drank in a while and I bought a bottleof cherry rum. Normally I get 151 bocardi as it gets it done quicker… but I wanted cherry coke… by the end of the night I drank nearly a liter of the stuff and next thing I knew I was laying down in the schoolfield nextdoor with my friend marveling at the curvature of the earth…

    So while I don’t do it often. I would agree… booze is gods gift. Except the next day… that’s the devils revenge…

    • I like the IDEA behind flavorful beers. I really do. But if I’m drinking, it’s to get drunk, and not to enjoy the bouquet on some $6 a bottle microbrew made with elderberries and chipmunk snot. I won’t drink a macrobrew out of principle – Anheuser-Busch is the devil – but I’m a big fan of just getting it over with.

      Probably why my favorite shot involves Jaegermeister and Rumple Minze. Powerful, gets the job done, tastes like mouthwash. Handful of quick, relatively painless shots and I’m good!

  2. Bought some Angry Orchard last night on your recommendation.

    Totally awesome. Girlfriend likes it too, and she’s pretty much a woodchuck fan.

    I’m officially sticking with cider for the rest of Hell’s stay on Earth (or, as some call it, Summer in Texas).

  3. Meade and Cider. It’s all I’ll drink. Kevin tries to get me to enjoy scotch like he does but I think it smells and tastes like turpentine.

    • I know that scotch and whiskey are supposed to be a gentleman’s drink, but the hell with that. I’ll choose mead any day.

      My neighbors up here brew their own mead, made with local honey, and it’s amazing. I’ll see if they can’t put a few bottles aside for the wedding.

      • Every time I see scotch or whiskey on television, in an ornate glass bottle on a silver tray, sitting on a table so expensive it was probably carved out of sapient pearwood, it always looks like it should taste like rich people’s candy. I feel like that brown treasure should taste like caramel or sweet warm tea and glide down your throat the way maple syrup does. Then I make the mistake of tasting whiskey or scotch and my body curls up in disgust. I’ll stick to fruity vodkas.

  4. Pingback: Glad to the brink of fear. « Amateur Professional

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