The least sexy superpower ever.

With some Round-Up.  Hoo!

I’d hit it.

I have an announcement to make: I have discovered my superpower.  No, it’s not the ability to eat an entire family-size bag of Doritos in one sitting, though I can do that; instead, I’ve discovered that my resistance to poison ivy is so high that I’m functionally immune.


At least he gets all the dolphin sex he could ever want.

Great, I’m basically Aquaman.

Now, hear me out: this is actually a really useful power to have, even if it is the least sexy one ever.  In fact, my origin story isn’t even all that amazing, either, as I’ve just noticed that I’ve never, ever gotten poison ivy, even though I’ve been living in a place that is absolutely lousy with the stuff and I’ve regularly waded into the bushes and underbrush to clear out weeds without suffering any ill effects.  I know what you’re thinking – that I’ve probably  just gotten lucky – but today I confirmed it.

Leave it be, motherfucker.

This shit is fucking everywhere up here.

John and Jenny, our friends and next-door neighbors, asked for some help clearing some weeds yesterday.  As we rent the cottage from Jenny’s dad – he owns the house that both John and Jenny live in – we have access to the property and we’ve spent time pitching in to keep it pretty.  The problem was that the one spot that needed clearing out – a heathen shrine that they had built last summer in honor of adopting Asatru as their religion – had become overgrown and  was absolutely covered in poison ivy.

Not pictured: $3,800 hospital bill.

Lehigh Valley Hospitals do not have WiFi.

John is deathly allergic to poison ivy to the point where he’s been hospitalized several times for it, so he couldn’t get in there and clear it out.  Everyone else there had no desire to get in there and pull it out either, but I volunteered to give it a try since I already had suspicions that I was pretty resistant, and I’m happy (and relieved) to report that I’m not posting this from a hospital bed.

Curses, mowed again!

My old enemy.

Now, I have to decide if I’m going to use this superpower for good or evil.  I could go around, rescuing homeowners from the perils of poison ivy invading their yards, striking an heroic pose atop an overturned wheelbarrow – or I could instead sneak leaves of poison ivy into the underwear drawers of my enemies, leaving them incapacitated while I make off with their loot and being hunted down by some superhero armed with industrial-strength calamine lotion in a Super Soaker.  Whatever shall I do?

Regardless of my decision, I do have one less thing to worry about now: I’ll never have to worry about an illegal alien putting me out of work, since landscapers always need people who are immune to poison ivy.  Job security, baby.


9 thoughts on “The least sexy superpower ever.

  1. I do not have that power, and I am envious. Kevin seems unbothered by it as well which is good because the back of my neighbor’s yard is full of the stuff and it is a constant fight to keep it from creeping over into ours.

    My mother got it in her bloodstream when she was young, and apparently looked so awful her family wouldn’t let her eat with them. I think now she is immune as well.

    Consider this an open invitation to come out and clear it from my fence whenever 😉

    • My father actually gets it very very badly, which is bad considering he works outside for a living. I was half afraid that I’d inherited his allergy, but it looks like I’m safe. I’ll bring my gardening gloves next time I down on Long Island.

  2. I remember about fifteen years ago, I was hanging with my homies and got real drunk in the woods. Somehow I got poison ivy on my hands but didn’t know it till it was waaaaaaaayyyyyy to late. As in, I had already spread it all over my self. Most humorously, it was all over my junk…

    Anyway, dave I am envious as well. I just look at the stuff and my eyes start to itch. Just make sure u wash all the resin off your body so others don’t get it. Wash your work clothes in a bucket wit soap that can break down the resin, and don’t do it in the normal wash or you could infect other clothes for weeks.

    In the meantime I have thought up what your costume should be. Think adam in the garden of eden, but instead of a fig leaf… a poison ivy leaf 🙂 your welcome.

  3. I, too, am envious, since I am also horribly allergic, and have had it on my hands (and ‘equipment’) on numerous occasions. Just be careful you don’t burn any of it around someone who is allergic, since it’ll kill them if they inhale the fumes.

    Oh, and Dan’s idea for the costume if fucking ingenious!!!

    • Yeah, I’ve got my work clothes double-bagged waiting for a chance to clean them separately. Last thing I need is to spread it to Pam – she’ll kill me.

      And don’t encourage him!

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