Nice loot. Wanna fuck?

God I wish I was rich.

It’s true. Now give me all your money.

So you’re not going to believe this but there’s a new no-strings-attached casual sex hookup site targeted specifically towards gamers.  And it’s $30 a month.  Apparently nobody’s told these idiots about Craigslist.

Note to self: pick up more razor blades.

Preach on, brother.

How the hell did I find out about this abomination?  No, I’m not cheating on my fiancée – I actually found out about this thanks to my day job.  I work for a client in the UK that needs marketing copy for dating websites, and the big news is apparently some British dating service had decided to “expand” its offerings by breaking out into the gaming subculture, only to discover that the people using their site weren’t looking for relationships or anything, just hook-ups – so they went ahead and came out with a site specifically for sweaty, Cheetos-dust stained sex.

I swear to fucking god what the shit is wrong with people.

“No, I said, let me lick your pits.

Can you imagine the user base for this website? It’s going to be 99%  unwashed fat twenty-somethings sporting scraggly neckbeards and living in their parents’ basements, surrounded by empty 2 liter bottles of Pepsi One and used tissues that smell vaguely of bleach.  I guess even the most socially awkward shut-ins have urges they can’t sate simply from arguing on the internet over what Tali from Mass Effect’s sweat tastes like.

Don't ask.

Sure it looks sexy now…

Could you imagine one of these lunatics trying to fit in on, say, OkCupid or eHarmony or something?  This whole crusty demographic of people who fear soap and razor blades – and slip into apoplexic rage whenever someone mentions casual gaming  – trying to find someone to scratch their itch?  The thought of imagining a set of spaghetti-stained clothes strewn across the floor is frightening enough, but now double it.  And add in some awkward moans and groans.  Yeah, try to get that out of your mind without an ice pick.

Stay off Moon Guard.

That hot level 85 blood elf? Yeah, she’s a dude.

I can’t imagine too many members of the opposite sex signing up for a service like this.  And that’s the thing – there’s apparently no LGBT section for this website, which strikes me as odd since there’s a strong contingent of “gaymers” out there (I hate that fucking phrase, but it’s a useful portmanteau).  And in the end, does it really matter how high your kills-to-deaths ratio is on League of Legends when it comes to getting someone to fuck you?  Whatever happened to getting laid the old-fashioned way – lying through your teeth to make yourself look interesting to the other person?

I’ll be in my bunk.


6 thoughts on “Nice loot. Wanna fuck?

  1. Lol, talis sweat is a drug and performance enhancer. No wonder she felt it was so “worth it” when male shep pops her bubble. He musta been all performance enhanced and tore it up good. Honestly tho, I’m going with the idea that quarians don’t sweat. Not many species do. I think humans and horses when I think of sweat.

    Anyway, I was a talimancer so its a subject near and dear to my heart.

    As for nerd dating services, u know there are haptic feedbackk mmos where nerds can use pocket pussies and vibrators hooked up to usb ports, and ur avatars go around boinking others? Least I think I read about this not that long ago. Ether thhat or EA need to send me gobs of money to develop it.

  2. I couldn’t help myself, and I checked out that site to see just how many unwashed cretins would be there. Sure enough, 99% of the girls are either beasts, or stock photos of hotties, most likely put there by spammers or something. Awesome!

    Dating sites have apparently gone to the extremes, and this is further proof of it. Someone told me recently that there is even a specific dating site for married people looking to cheat on their spouses….Friggin ridiculous….

  3. Also… there’s SoulGeek, right? Hell one of my friends met his fiancee on there, and they actually do have sections for GLBT…I…Q…P(?)…A? Fuck, I can’t remember all the letters, it’s updated every week.
    And hell, finding a gaymer to date is tough, considering that we all fall under that law (that really does need to be named, hell, let’s call it Demont’s Law), that states that the attractiveness and compatibility of a potential mate is directly proportional to how far away they live from you.

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