There needs to be a pretty egregious fuck-up in the sphere of professional sports news to make it through my bubble of apathy for me to take notice. The current replacement referee debacle in the NFL is one of those massive news stories that not even I can ignore no matter how hard I try, but I have to ask: is all this bullshit really necessary?
I don’t understand the relevance of this whole god damned mess. Why is it so important that a bunch of idiots brought in a bunch of bigger idiots to act as referees in a professional sport, only to discover that every single one of these new referees are apparently so mentally handicapped that they couldn’t find their ass with both hands, let alone act as an accurate arbiter of football rules? For fuck’s sake, people, I can’t think of anything more irrelevant than professional sports.
Yeah, I know what you’re going to say: football is an incredibly popular American tradition. It’s been a part of the American psyche for over a century, so it’s noteworthy because of its cultural impact. My rebuttal to this argument is, of course, that I don’t give two shits about how long football has been played in the United States. It’s a god damned game. Besides, there’s plenty of cultural traditions that have been part of the American psyche for much longer, such as the subjugation, betrayal, and destruction of indigenous people in the name of manifest destiny, yet we don’t seem to celebrate that American tradition all that much – unless you count going out to Mohegan Sun and losing your shirt as a “celebration.”
The only actual argument you can make for the validity and relevance of professional football is that of its economic impact, especially during that asbolute Carnevale of consumerism and poor taste, the Super Bowl. As it’s one of the highest-watched television shows of the year, advertising executives go batshit insane with the commercials that play during the game, and a thirty second time slot can cost literally millions of dollars in air time. If you notice though it never matters who plays in the Super Bowl in any given year – in fact, it matters even less who wins – as all these ad execs care about is shilling the newest flavor of Doritos to as wide an audience as possible. Football is a means to an end, and if it the Super Bowl wasn’t traditionally one of the highest-rated events every year, these same ad execs would be latching on to whatever was – even if it was the season finale of Antiques Pimpshow or World’s Worst Police Beheadings or something.
So you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t give a flying fuck about the injustice of how certain teams are being robbed of victories because of some shitty referees who couldn’t even handle the high-profile referee gig of the National Lingerie League, let alone the National Football League. Sure, this whole problem would have never arose at all if the NFL hadn’t locked out unionized referees – apparently a raise that would be a drop in the god damned bucket, considering the league makes something like $9 billion a year. So instead of just throwing a little extra cash at their regular referees, they fuck everything up by bringing in a bunch of scabs that know less about football than I do, and then wonder why such a massive shitstorm whipped up so quickly.
Then again, I’m sure the Romans enjoyed the hell out of their bread and circuses, didn’t they?