The Fanboner.

My fanboner just popped.If you’ve been keeping an eye on the interbutts  (if Hurricane Sandy hasn’t sodomized your power company, that is) you may have seen the startling development that broke into the entertainment news cycle yesterday: The Walt Disney Company just bought Lucasfilm lock, stock, and barrel for $4.05 billion.  If you’re a huge nerd – and chances are that if you’re reading this you’ve probably thrown a few polyhedral dice in your day – the news of this acquisition is absolutely groundbreaking.

So why is this so important, especially when there’s so many other things in the world that are currently going on, like the 2012 election in the US, the debt crisis in the eurozone, rampant drone strikes in Afghanistan, and Kim Jong Un plotting to kidnap Psy and force him into making state-sponsored “North Korea is Best Korea” music videos?  Well, because all that shit is insufferably boring despite how important and relevant it is.  It’s much more entertaining to talk about how there’s going to be a seventh Star Wars movie sometime in 2015, and how the entire Star Wars universe is now free from the rotten influence of George Lucas and his insufferable beard.

Sic semper shitheads!

Your reign of terror is over, Darth Beardus.

You’re going to be hard-pressed to make an argument that Lucas hasn’t been attempting to run his beloved franchise into the ground. The soul of the Star Wars universe as represented by the prequel trilogy is sickly, thanks to three movies that were written and directed so badly that Lucas should be dragged before the Hague for crimes against humanity.  The Jar Jar Binks argument is more or less irrefutable, and anyone making a case for the artistic or narrative merit of the prequels vis-a-vis the original trilogy is going to be shunned like a pedophile Neo-Nazi.  However, now that Disney owns Lucasfilm, Lucas and his ham-handed influence has been eliminated, which could pave the way for an absolute renaissance for not just the Star Wars universe but anything associated with Lucasfilm, including the Indiana Jones series and the countless intellectual properties that LucasArts has the rights to as well.

Right in Greedo's stupid face.

Exhibit A

Could you imagine a world where people besides Lucas write and direct Star Wars motion pictures?  If you’re having trouble understanding such a concept, go find a VHS player at your local flea market and find a copy of the original trilogy.  Pay particular attention to The Empire Strikes Back, which is widely considered, as a matter of objective fact and not opinion, to be the best Star Wars movie ever made –  if you disagree with this you’re obviously a Communist and you will be visited by J. Edgar Hoover’s ghost.  And he will be in drag.  Fair warning.

The idea of seeing a new Star Wars movie that’s actually worthy of the franchise is thrilling to say the least.  You can’t even make the argument that Disney doesn’t know how to make amazing live-action movies, considering that The Avengers made something like a gorillion dollars.  Not only that, but there are already rumors flying that Avengers-helmsman Joss Whedon might be offered the reins at directing Star Wars 7.  Can you even imagine that?  The mere thought is… well, here’s what I think of that idea.

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7 thoughts on “The Fanboner.

  1. I’m voting that the next trilogy be the Thrawn trilogy!!!! They REALLY need to make that!

    That aside, the real question is going to be “Who will play the main characters?”
    If you suggest Shia Labeouf, I’ll kill you…

    • I think Michael Fassbender would make a kick-ass Thrawn, don’t you?

      The only bad thing about filming those books would be that the original cast is much too old now to reprise their roles and you’d have bullshit like Shia LeBarf playing Han Solo. I guess they could get the band back together if they did the New Jedi Order books, but there’s a shit ton of them and they’d have to condense a lot.

      • Honestly, I think they’re gonna just recast them all, instead of doing a much later timeline with the original cast.

        Fassbender would probably be a good Thrawn, but I’m still unsure if I’d want to see him in the role…

      • They could do the same thing that Shakespearean actors do when they get old. If you start off playing Hamlet at the beginning of your career, you end it playing the ghost of his father.

        Could you imagine Mark Hamill playing a reborn Palpatine? He’d get to use his Joker voice again.

      • They should just do a shot-for-shot remake of the original 3, with all the exact same actors (including the ones who have died).

        But, seriously, a reboot done by Joss Whedon would be every fanboy’s wet dream.

  2. Pingback: All Saints’ Day. « Amateur Professional

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