Well ladies and gentlemen, it turns out that Mitt Romney was right: those crazy Russkies are at it again, and they’re targeting our precious Google Play accounts! You’re probably looking at me like I’ve just grown an extra head, but it’s absolutely true. I know this because I saw it on the Internet.
Now, bear with me while I take you down the rabbit hole. I went and joined the 21st century yesterday, as I picked up a no-contract Android smartphone, as it’s been close to half a decade since I had a working mobile, and while the experience has been wonderful (my new phone has a more powerful camera than the one in my ancient Minolta DImage Z1, for Chrissake), I’ve discovered that some mustache-twirling malefactor from the Russian Federation has been using my god damned Google Play account without my knowledge for like a week and a half.
Now I’m a pretty careful dude when it comes to online security. I don’t go clicking any suspicious links, I keep my virus definitions updated, and I change my passwords on a regular basis. Yet despite all these precautions, some chain-smoking, potato liquor-swilling, tattooed extra from Eastern Promises ended up gaining access to my Google Play account and used it to, of all things, sync his Motorola DEFY smartphone to my account and start using it to download free apps. Too bad for him I don’t keep my credit card information saved into Google Play since I’m not a complete fucking idiot.
I know it’s some Slavic troublemaker because not only did he download a bunch of free apps with names written in Cyrillic but because the guy’s mobile carrier is listed prominently on my Google Play account page along with the model of his smartphone, and it’s one of the three biggest mobile phone service providers in the Russian Federation, so this guy definitely thought he was having a giggle by using a Google Play account that didn’t belong to him. Well, fuck him, I called up Google and told them what’s going on. The poor CSR I spoke to on the phone was completely bewildered as he’d never seen anything like that before, but he said he’d escalate it to the people who handle stuff like that; at least that’s something.
In the meantime, if you get a text message from me in Russian, it’s not just me being an asshole, so watch out. Goddamn Russkies.