2012 in Review: apparently vaginas were popular.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 34,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 8 Film Festivals.

You should totally check out the complete report here.  It’s got awesome statistics.  And vaginas.

Happy New Year, everyone!  See you in 2013 – here’s for another year of offensive stupidity!


There’s a point where we should have stopped…

… and we’ve passed it a long, long time ago.

I don’t know how I missed this, but there’s yet another Die Hard movie coming out next year.

what is this i don’t even

Returning with a bang.

The Horror.

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.

The holiday hiatus here at Amateur Professional is officially over – and I’ve decided to start it off with a massive, bloody, gruesome explosion.

Well, figuratively, of course.  I’m not about to detail the particulars of my bowel movements or anything, so don’t get all indignant or offended.

Instead, we’re going to talk about a rather hot-button issue, considering how many tragedies have been in the news lately: violence.  Violence in media, such as television, film, and especially video games to be exact, and how so many are pointing the finger at these games as being responsible for horror and death in the real world. Continue reading

Even I need a vacation from time to time.

Well that’s it, ladies and gentlemen: I’m packing it in for the next few days.  I’ll be busy running around like mad, shuttling the wife from one set of relatives to another for the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Yuletide season, so I’d like to wish you all a happy, merry, and zombie-free festive time.

Whether you like to hear Merry Christmas or prefer Happy Holidays, pend time with your families and cherish these moments!  And drink a little too much egg nog, fall down drunk, and puke on the dog.  Trust me, the dog loves it.

See you all soon!  Stay safe.

I'm going to hell.

The Mayans really dropped the ball on this one.

I have to admit that I didn’t prepare a blog post for today.  I was kind of banking on the world ending so I wouldn’t have to.  Man, I guess that backfired, didn’t it?

I suppose it’s actually a good thing the world didn’t end today.  I mean I’ve got a lot of things I’d regret not being able to do.  For instance, I wouldn’t have wanted to go to my grave with never having been able to smack a woman in the face with my willie.

Well, thanks to the inaccuracies of the Mayan calendar, we can all relax and take a little more time with our bucket lists.  Congratulations!

Total Letdown

Good job, you lazy bastards.

This kid is going to be the death of me.

No blog post today, kids; just spent another 5 and a half hours in the ER with the wife.  This time it was “round ligament pain” caused by my beautiful baby girl stretching out her mother’s uterus like a piece of Silly Putty, and I feel like I’ve been put through the wringer once more.

If anyone needs me, look for the trail of empty Jagermeister bottles.

Very silly.

17 weeks and counting.

50/50 chance of guessing riight.

What’ll it be?

Yesterday, the wife and I went in to get another ultrasound done of the strange little parasite living inside her.  We are happy to report that not only is the child perfectly healthy so far and developing exactly as it should, but that we’re also ready to announce our child’s gender as well!  Don’t click the link if you don’t want to be Keyser Soze’d.

Continue reading