What’s a soon-to-be-father to do?

Today marks the beginning of the wife’s 20th week of pregnancy, which is widely considered the halfway point on average.  This means that odds are good that in around 19-21 more weeks I’m going to be a father of a little girl.

I have to tell you good people that I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself.  I’m watching the wife’s belly getting firmer and rounder by the day, I’ve seen all the ultrasounds – for Chrissake I’ve actually heard the heartbeat of this strange little creature that eventually will be my infant daughter once she gets evicted from Hotel Mom in late May – but I feel like I’m woefully unprepared for this parenting shit.

I know what you’re going to say. “Nobody’s ever prepared,” you’ll point out.  “No matter how many books you read, how many courses you take, or how many friends or family members give you advice, you’re never going to be completely prepared to be completely responsible for the physical, intellectual, and emotional development of another human being.”  At this point in the conversation I’m usually reaching for the bottle of Rumple Minze I keep on a shelf above the fridge.

Sometimes I kind of hope that my daughter is going to be like I was as a kid: a shy, socially awkward bookworm that would rather spend hours reading in solitude than going out and getting into trouble.  Now before you get up in arms about how I can’t raise my child like a veal, I know that – I’m just saying that if she turns out to be a girly princess cheerleader type I’m going to be a constant embarrassment to this poor girl, and I suppose I should just apologize in advance for all the “Jeez, Dad, could you try not to be so lame” looks I’m going to get by the time she’s in middle school.

Still, it would be easier to just build a tower for her and let her out once she hits her 30th birthday, right?  I mean, I know what I was like in high school and college – and I was one of those hopelessly clueless chivalric types that couldn’t get laid in a hot tub with a drunk girl on my arm (true story).  I guess this means I’d better budget for Krav Maga classes alongside college tuition.

I dunno, looks fun to me.

Never too early to start, right?


10 thoughts on “What’s a soon-to-be-father to do?

  1. Hmmmmm…. Not sure I can give much advice here… Mainly because I skipped this part.

    For me I got into it the easy way, instead of a big surprise and 9 months of contemplation, I just dated his mom after he was already born with no strings attached to anything till I got married. So, I didn’t go through all the “will I be a good dad?” inner turmoil. Well, if I did it was spread out over 5 years of dating…

    By the time I was in a real position to worry about it, I had already more or less started doing it.

    Let me tell you, the first time a kid climbs up you and clings to you as their daddy when something scary happens however, it just clicks. Instinctively you know what to do.

    I don’t know when it dawned on me that I was dad, but I won’t forget the first time he looked me in the eye when he was still a baby. I wasn’t daddy yet, but I think I passed the interview that day.

    I know my relationship with Jared can be trying… Being dad isn’t all awesome all the time…

    Sometimes I will feel like the biggest dick disciplinarian. I often hear words coming out of my mouth that I used to hate my mother and father for. Some of them I’m not very proud of to be honest, but now I understand how my mom and dad weren’t so flawed as they were just Normal ordinary humans… Humans with normal ordinary emotional weaknesses and frustrations.

    Other times I just wanna hug him till he pops.

    Honestly dude, all I can really say is – It’s a girl, that means you will have to deal with things you will never understand, like bra’s and periods (Not the “.” kind) and “Boys.” Lucky for you you also have a woman who can help you with relating to this stuff…

    But from what I understand, for a Daughter, the word “Daddy” means something very special. It is the standard by which all other men will be judged…

    No pressure though.

  2. As a proud papa of the wee beast (Kira), I can definitely say that there is certainly a difference between having a boy and a girl, aside from the obvious stuff. Having a girl affects you emotionally in a very primal way, making you seek assorted weaponry to train with and maintain until said beast comes of age and boys start calling.

    That aside, yeah you really can’t be prepared in some ways, but in many ways you can. Knowing how to change a diaper, hold a baby, and walk a path in the carpet endlessly will be things that you can train for now. Aside from that, I can honestly say you can relax a bit. It’s really not as difficult as you think it’ll be, especially since they pretty much just eat, sleep, and shit for the first 6 months or so. The worst part is what you do to yourself. Every little thing will likely make you freak out and head to the doctor, thinking she’s contracted some horrific disease or something. It’s to be expected with a seemingly frail little person. However, they’re much more robust than you may think. Trust me bro, you’ll be fine. The hard shit comes later when they’re able to attempt to negotiate and reason with you….

  3. You’re not an idiot, or an asshole. Your worry about being adequate tells me you’ll be awesome. You got this.

    Oh, and while you will long be the center of her universe, you WILL embarrass her. It’s a given. She’ll eventually forgive you. 🙂


    Total Daddy’s Girl

  4. When you & Pam announced you were having a baby it was like something “right” clicked in the universe. Jackie & I spoke about this when we found out & we agreed that you 2 were meant to be parents. It’s going to be beautiful, smelly, amazing, terrifying, endearing, tiring, and all those other adjectives that you’ve heard described by parents. You will be floored by how much you love this little person & realize that you really would kill someone with nothing but your bare hands & teeth if they so much as look at her the wrong way.

    I don’t even think you are going to be amazing parents. I know it.

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