Today marks the beginning of the wife’s 20th week of pregnancy, which is widely considered the halfway point on average. This means that odds are good that in around 19-21 more weeks I’m going to be a father of a little girl.
I have to tell you good people that I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m watching the wife’s belly getting firmer and rounder by the day, I’ve seen all the ultrasounds – for Chrissake I’ve actually heard the heartbeat of this strange little creature that eventually will be my infant daughter once she gets evicted from Hotel Mom in late May – but I feel like I’m woefully unprepared for this parenting shit.
I know what you’re going to say. “Nobody’s ever prepared,” you’ll point out. “No matter how many books you read, how many courses you take, or how many friends or family members give you advice, you’re never going to be completely prepared to be completely responsible for the physical, intellectual, and emotional development of another human being.” At this point in the conversation I’m usually reaching for the bottle of Rumple Minze I keep on a shelf above the fridge.
Sometimes I kind of hope that my daughter is going to be like I was as a kid: a shy, socially awkward bookworm that would rather spend hours reading in solitude than going out and getting into trouble. Now before you get up in arms about how I can’t raise my child like a veal, I know that – I’m just saying that if she turns out to be a girly princess cheerleader type I’m going to be a constant embarrassment to this poor girl, and I suppose I should just apologize in advance for all the “Jeez, Dad, could you try not to be so lame” looks I’m going to get by the time she’s in middle school.
Still, it would be easier to just build a tower for her and let her out once she hits her 30th birthday, right? I mean, I know what I was like in high school and college – and I was one of those hopelessly clueless chivalric types that couldn’t get laid in a hot tub with a drunk girl on my arm (true story). I guess this means I’d better budget for Krav Maga classes alongside college tuition.