Is there nothing else more important to talk about than the fucking Super Bowl?

Know the difference

I finally get to use this image.

This year, CBS is televising the Super Bowl.  I know this not because I’m a fan of football (or “handegg” as my international readers may know it) but because I happened to watch the newest episode of NCIS last night and there were two Super Bowl commercials every commercial break.

Now, I understand that I live in America.  If there’s anything this great country likes, it’s completely over-the-top, garish displays of “sportsmanship” against a backdrop of bread-and-circuses pageantry; I’m fine with it.  I’ve accepted it as inevitable.  “Fuck it,” I say to myself, “at least the commercials are usually entertaining.”

Stand back or you'll catch the Gay!

God fucking forbid a gay guy likes football.

But no, the problem I ran into last night was one of controversy being stirred up – not by the fact that the Super Bowl is to be broadcast on CBS this year but that the ad campaign they’re running is – and I quote – both  “mocking Christians” and “pushing a gay agenda,” all because Neil Patrick Harris appears in the commercial alongside other actors that star in CBS shows like How I Met Your Mother or NCIS.  Worse yet, NPH has the words “FEB 3 2013” in blackout paint under his eyes, which according to the luminaries over at WND is a nefarious plot to subvert the American-as-apple-pie Super Bowl – and its supposed savior, ultra-religious Tim Tebow, who is well known for putting Bible verses in his own eye black  – by promoting “gay values.”

In other words, WND is choosing to single out NPH – an actor employed by CBS – for the “sin” of being gay and that he has the audacity to enjoy football (handegg).  Not only that, CBS is now being castigated for being the Devil, as the network has not only allowed such a travesty to occur but actively promoted it, despite the fact that NPH is not the only CBS star to appear in the television ad.  In fact, in a poll attached to the article at WND, the majority of respondents – nearly 600 at the time I’m writing this – feel that the choice was made on purpose by CBS and that all good Christians should boycott the network and everyone who advertises on it.  In fact, around 67% of the survey respondents felt that the ad was offensive to Christians in some way or another while only one out of every four said actually didn’t have their heads up their asses.

WTF Jesus Christ seriously?

At least the next most popular choice is “no, you’re fucking crazy.”

I made a funny.

That’s one tight end you got there.

What I really want to know is how these people haven’t swallowed their own tongues already?  I mean, has anyone pointed out to them that the lion’s share of any televised football (handegg) game – including the Super Bowl – is watching large, powerful men in skin-tight pants from behind?  What is the line of scrimmage if not a collection of fine man ass, stuffed into sausage casings and put on display?  Hell I’m not even gay but I can’t help but admire the amount of Grade-A hams lined up waiting for the snap.

Tim Tebow.  Blech.

Well look whose faith is on display.

Maybe if Tim Tebow spent less time praying his impure thoughts away after staring at his center’s sweaty ass cheeks as he’s waiting for the football (handegg) and more time on not getting his ass handed to him by the defensive line he’d still be with the Jets next season.  I mean, Jesus H. Christ, is there nothing else more important we could be talking about besides this?

 

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