Up the irons!


The Periodic Table of Metal.

You may not be aware of this, but I absolutely love heavy metal, and I don’t mean the kind you find on the Periodic Table of Elements.  Not that I have anything against chemistry;  let’s be honest, feldspar might be pretty bad ass but it never sold out Madison Square Garden.

My love affair with metal began, in all the most unlikely places, with the NES game Contra.  That game is so fucking metal it makes me want to punch Bruce Dickinson in the mouth while dressed like Eddie the Head.  Here, if you don’t believe me check this out:

See?  Metal as fuck.  And that’s just the goddamned main theme!

I don’t know what it is about the old 8-bit NES era but a lot of those game soundtracks just seem to lend themselves to a metal interpretation really well.  I suppose the combination of the metal high water mark of the 1980s combined with a bunch of overworked, underpaid Japanese game developers meant that the amount of metal included in the soundtracks of that generation of console games was super-saturated. In fact, you might say that it on a scale of 1 to 10, it went to 11.

See that's funny because Stryper was a Christian - ah never mind.

Jesus Christ.

I don’t want to come off as a purist or an elitist but for me the golden age of metal was over once Metallica cut their hair and Lars Ulrich went on his insane crusade against Napster; things just haven’t been the same since.  Still, there’s plenty of decent metal out there today – there’s also a lot of bullshit like nu-metal that turns my stomach and makes me want to beat someone with a golf club.  Not that there weren’t some absolutely fucking awful classic metal acts out there – Stryper, I’m looking at you, godammit – but even the most hair-sprayed, Twisted Sister-style tranny band was metal as fuck compared to some of the shit you hear nowadays.

I almost typed “some of the shit you see on MTV nowadays.”  I am now depressed and will go listen to some fucking Nightwish or something and cry myself to sleep.


20 thoughts on “Up the irons!

  1. The only reason Brian hasn’t responded with a stunning love letter to you is because he’s still in bed. Trust me, when he reads this you might have to move to a state where a man can marry another man b/c of their mutual love of metal.

  2. I completely agree, most metal recently has sucked. I joined a cover band recently, and they wanted to do some stuff like Papa Roach and Three Days Grace, and the songs are fucking garbage. Why can’t “metal” bands write songs about hot bitches and sex, instead of whining about their parents like little bitches?! Some newer bands are ok. I do like Disturbed, apart from their latest album which was horrible. I love Avenged Sevenfold and Shinedown, but apart from those select few, the majority of recent music sucks balls.

    Last night I actually jumped on the elliptical to work out, since I missed my class. I put on Flight 666, the latest live movie Maiden did, and I rocked out to that shit. I pushed harder, and kicked ass to the awesome soundtrack and concert footage. I even still get chills during certain parts of the show, something no recent band has ever done for me.

    And I completely agree about the video game music thing. The band “mini bosses” did a bunch of covers of NES music back in the late 90’s, and it was fucking sick! I even learned some game songs on guitar back in the day. I even used to imagine what the music for the next level on a game would be, and how awesome of a hook it would have.

    In short, newer bands mostly suck. UP THE IRONS!!!

    • See, I hear bands like AS and Shinedown and think “that’s hard rock, and it’s good, but it’s not metal”.

      We could go on and on about what counts and what doesn’t, and never resolve it. One man’s titanium ear cock is another woman’s crusty q-tip.

      • Maiden is absolutely the litmus test for whether or not something is metal.

        If you can turn the Rime of the Ancient Mariner into a song, you are metal as fuck.

      • The latest Anthrax album, released a year or two ago, is totally fucking metal. That’s the direction shit should be going, not the overly dramatic shit that tries to fuse theatrics with metal music. This isn’t the opera.

        And I’m not hating on the pagan metal stuff, it certainly has its place, and I’d rather that than Papa Roach and all that shit, it’s just not the metal we’re looking for.

  3. It’s not the metal *YOU’RE* looking for.

    Now, I’ll be honest. I know that Iron Maiden is considered the end-all-be-all of metal, but I can’t stand them (/ducks) . Because I dislike them so it colors my opinion of any band that sounds like them. Well ok, it’s not the band. It’s him. It’s his voice. I can’t do it. I have similar feelings about Slayer and Blind Guardian. The music starts and I’m all into it, and then the voice comes out and something inside me grows thorny and starts writhing around my middle making me hateful.

    Not all metal needs to be “growly” (an argument Mr. PNG and I have had before), but at least don’t whine. I can’t stand the whine. Likewise, don’t sound like you’re singing into a vacuum cleaner or a flushing toilet.

    Not all bands out of Europe and Scandinavia are “folk” metal either. There’s a huge scene over there and it covers a lot of ground. My particular bent is on the pagan/folk/viking metal stuff, but there are other bands out there who are rocking it hard without the Mink Coat Fashion show 😉

    I’m not bagging on American metal either. It’s got it’s place, but I admit that they have to try harder for me to really consider them worthy of rotation.

  4. And Dave, I have to confess something about the video you posted… I’ve had a fangirl mini-crush on this guy for a long time. \m/ swoon \m/ He’s probably 19 or something ridiculous which makes me sad.

  5. I think a lot of the video games of the 8 bit era lend themselves to ANY genre you’d really like. Granted, the melodies are catchy…but the technical limitations of the NES meant that they were also basic, and that makes it easy for anyone with the right skill set to put any sort of spin of it that you’d like.

    That being said? A LOT of the Konami and Capcom alumni lend themselves VERY well to metalization. See also: Mega Man, Castlevania, Ghouls and Goblins, Gradius.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s