If you haven’t heard yet – and you probably have by now – there was a shooting at the Westfield Garden State Plaza late last night. No injuries thank goodness, but the incident showcases what a serious problem we have in this country.
In fact, it’s more than obvious that something must be done about things of this nature. There must be a strong response taken by both the state and federal government in order to curb this type of behavior in the future. It’s placing the entire fabric of American culture in the crosshairs, and the sooner some sort of decisive, drastic action is taken the better. I’m referring of course to the immediate and irrevocable shut down of every shopping mall in the United States.
Shopping malls are inherently dangerous places, filled with thousands of strangers on an everyday basis. There’s no regulations in effect concerning who can and cannot step inside a shopping mall in the United States, which means that anyone and everyone can gain access to these wretched hives of scum and villainy. A shopping mall is a dark, hedonistic den of crass consumerism and capitalism run rampant, and as a Christian country we need to do something about the deleterious effect these devilish marketplaces are having on the newest generation of Americans that spend every waking moment there after school and on the weekends, either accompanied by their glassy-eyed consumer sheep parents or left to their own devices so they can haunt the food court and smoke marijuana cigarettes out by the Dumpsters next to the loading dock. Won’t anyone think of the children?
The best course of action – nay, the only one open to us if we want to safeguard our safety and that of our children – is an immediate, unequivocal ban on attending shopping malls, effective immediately. With the Christmas shopping season rapidly approaching, we need to act now to make sure no more loss of innocence occurs. We need to shoot the mindless, shambling corpse of consumerism right in the head, and well before Black Friday, if we want to preserve our reputation as the best and safest country in the world.
This is exactly why I’m asking you all to join me in my crusade to close down every shopping mall in the country well before Thanksgiving. Installing security checkpoints at every mall entrance simply isn’t enough; the TSA already has their hands full, and while full-body scanners that penetrate deep through your clothes with enough resolution to determine what religion you are would be quite helpful in making sure only those who can be trusted with a credit card are allowed to shop, the best way to ensure no more incidents like the Westfield shooting occur again would be simply to deny everyone the
right privilege to shop in these dens of iniquity.
Let people shop over the Internet if they so desperately need to fulfill their base need to spend. In fact, no one should leave their home for anything, at any time; simply use the Internet to accomplish everything that needs doing on a day-to-day basis. Telecommute from home, so you don’t risk getting killed in traffic on your way to work; have groceries delivered to your doorstep so you won’t be crippled by a runaway shopping cart; keep your children locked up in your basement and tell them to simply look through Wikipedia instead of doing their homework. It’s safer this way, and isn’t our safety the most important thing? I mean what good is living a full, exciting, fulfilling life filled with wonder and joy if at any moment you could end up mauled by rabid squirrels at the closest park? No, it’s simply too dangerous – you’ll just have to stay inside. Trust me, it’s for your own good.
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