A modest proposal.

If you haven’t heard yet – and you probably have by now – there was a shooting at the Westfield Garden State Plaza late last night. No injuries thank goodness, but the incident showcases what a serious problem we have in this country.

In fact, it’s more than obvious that something must be done about things of this nature.  There must be a strong response taken by both the state and federal government in order to curb this type of behavior in the future. It’s placing the entire fabric of American culture in the crosshairs, and the sooner some sort of decisive, drastic action is taken the better.  I’m referring of course to the immediate and irrevocable shut down of every shopping mall in the United States.

Shopping malls are inherently dangerous places, filled with thousands of strangers on an everyday basis.  There’s no regulations in effect concerning who can and cannot step inside a shopping mall in the United States, which means that anyone and everyone can gain access to these wretched hives of scum and villainy. A shopping mall is a dark, hedonistic den of crass consumerism and capitalism run rampant, and as a Christian country we need to do something about the deleterious effect these devilish marketplaces are having on the newest generation of Americans that spend every waking moment there after school and on the weekends, either accompanied by their glassy-eyed consumer sheep parents or left to their own devices so they can haunt the food court and smoke marijuana cigarettes out by the Dumpsters next to the loading dock. Won’t anyone think of the children?

The best course of action – nay, the only one open to us if we want to safeguard our safety and that of our children – is an immediate, unequivocal ban on attending shopping malls, effective immediately. With the Christmas shopping season rapidly approaching, we need to act now to make sure no more loss of innocence occurs. We need to shoot the mindless, shambling corpse of consumerism right in the head, and well before Black Friday, if we want to preserve our reputation as the best and safest country in the world.

This is exactly why I’m asking you all to join me in my crusade to close down every shopping mall in the country well before Thanksgiving.  Installing security checkpoints at every mall entrance simply isn’t enough; the TSA already has their hands full, and while full-body scanners that penetrate deep through your clothes with enough resolution to determine what religion you are would be quite helpful in making sure only those who can be trusted with a credit card are allowed to shop, the best way to ensure no more incidents like the Westfield shooting occur again would be simply to deny everyone the right privilege to shop in these dens of iniquity.

Let people shop over the Internet if they so desperately need to fulfill their base need to spend. In fact, no one should leave their home for anything, at any time; simply use the Internet to accomplish everything that needs doing on a day-to-day basis. Telecommute from home, so you don’t risk getting killed in traffic on your way to work; have groceries delivered to your doorstep so you won’t be crippled by a runaway shopping cart; keep your children locked up in your basement and tell them to simply look through Wikipedia instead of doing their homework. It’s safer this way, and isn’t our safety the most important thing? I mean what good is living a full, exciting, fulfilling life filled with wonder and joy if at any moment you could end up mauled by rabid squirrels at the closest park?  No, it’s simply too dangerous – you’ll just have to stay inside.  Trust me, it’s for your own good.

This blog post has been brought to you by Amazon.com. Shop at home this holiday season and avoid being shot at by deranged gunman! Amazon.com – It’s About Never Leaving Your Home Again.

Never again.


7 thoughts on “A modest proposal.

  1. At least you didn’t advocate eating one’s c…er, credit cards!
    On second thought- no credit- no shopping malls…

  2. Dave… at first I was about to freak out, I thought I lost you there for a second, but then… just when I thought you had lost your mind, you went on to propose perhaps the single most logical, well thought out and ethical idea I have ever heard of!

    Why, I think I need to make this a national issue, we need to have an new, honest debate, about Mall control. When the founding fathers created this great nation, they gave us various inalienable rights, but nowhere in the constitution or bill of rights do I see “Shopping mall.” protected, let alone mentioned.

    To say nothing of the dreaded Assault Shopping Mall! Some of them are able to hold more than 10 stores in them, and can fire off high velocity holiday sales figures at incredible rates! Nobody “NEEDS” a mall with more than 10 stores in it! And Sale hunters don’t need high velocity sales when the usual 10% is enough!

    I think we can all agree we need reasonable mall control, firstly, I think we need to have all mall goer’s registered in a national database complete with biometric data, and their political and religious beliefs recorded along with their criminal record.

    In order to enter a mall everyone should be required to submit to a background check, and undergo a ten day waiting period (to protect everyone from impulse purchases).

    We should also Tax all goods and services provided at the malls like we do firearms to inflate the costs of going to a mall to deter people from shopping at them. To make this even more effective, we should have government buy up vast amounts of the goods and services that malls provide so it helps create an artificial shortage of products that mall goers pay money for. This low supply will also lead to more price gouging by the malls further reducing the number of people who can afford to shop at one.

    Now, I’m sure that some people will form organizations on behalf of the Mall industry, lets call them… The National Mall association (NMA for short). The NMA will no doubt get tons of money and use that to try and change the laws to suit them, but we need to make sure we tell the public how un-American that is, by using our own money to buy lobbyists of our own! With luck, and money, we might even be able to infiltrate the NMA and put our own lobbyists in there masquerading as conservative mall nuts.

    I’m sure there will be outrage, some people might even get paranoid and think we are trying to get rid of all the malls outright. But don’t be silly, nobody is trying to get rid of all the malls! Just the Assault malls.

    We can also have people like Dan Quayle Buy up all the big corporations responsible for mall construction and maintenance in the country, the same way he and several other political and financial leaders did with the firearms industry when they created Cerberus and began buying up and closing firearms makers across the country!

    We can probably also close down the Concrete plants that make the bricks like they did with the Lead smelting industries so that the lead used to make bullets can be made more expensive, or even harder to come across. In the same way we can control the production of Concrete, making it harder to people we don’t like to get cinderblocks and other concrete used to make shopping malls.

    In the meantime, we need to use the FBI, and when applicable the CIA, to stage a few more mall shootings, and when a shooting happens that we don’t control, we need to make sure the press covers only the facts we want them to cover, remember they DID just get rid of the law that stops the government from using propaganda on us, so it should be easy now to get the media to say what we want… they never question anything anymore.

    We can also have someone sponsor a treaty in the UN that will have language hidden within it that when signed, forces the nations that sign on to steadily reduce the number of malls that the public are exposed to.

    meanwhile, we can begin a campaign to get the idea into public schools, using the Common Core program, teaching children that shopping malls are all bad… so that by the time they reach voting age in 10+ years, most of them will gladly vote for candidates who will outright ban shopping malls altogether

    I am pretty sure with proper leadership, we can completely get rid of shopping malls by 2025.

    Anyone who doesn’t like it, we can send to jail or hit with a drone strike!

    I plan on sending this proposal to Diane Feinstein first thing tomorrow morning, and I’m sure she will represent our cause! With Any luck we can get California and New York to initiate the trial balloon of our policies and work the bugs out while we figure out how we will implement the new laws in those backward conservative strongholds…

    Of course, we ourselves need to make sure we have access to malls, because as political leaders, we have certain needs and responsibilities the public doesn’t have, just like we don’t have to worry about gun control, or being forced into the Affordable Care Act.

    Signed –

    The US legislature

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