Sorry about the click-bait article headline, but it’s essentially what happened to me this weekend. No, it wasn’t literal – put down your pitchforks, all you deranged misogynistic Men’s Rights Activists!
Anyone who purports to know me even slightly knows that I’m a huge nerd. A lot of my identity as a nerd revolves around spending an unhealthy amount of time playing video games instead of doing things like talking to other human beings or going outside (the day moon, it burns us, precious). As a result it’s a safe bet to assume I have a larger than normal accumulation of experience in a wide variety of games.
One of my favorite genres of video game is, without a doubt, the tournament fighter; the obsession started with Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter II and just continued from there. One of my all-time favorite tourney fighters is the Soul Calibur series, as there’s nothing better than beating the shit out of your opponents with a giant fucking sword. As a result of way too much time on my hands as a teenager and young adult, I’m a pretty decent Soul Calibur player. I’m not professional e-sports level, and even though it’s been years since I’ve played seriously I can still hold my own pretty well against other fans of the genre.
Or so I thought.
This weekend throughout our travels, the wife and I stumbled across an old Soul Calibur arcade cabinet. Having some down time I decided to work out the kinks and plunked a few quarters into the machine’s gaping maw, and I was satisfied to see it only took me seventy-five cents to finish the game. My clear time was atrocious of course, but I was happy with my performance. I had some extra quarters left over, so I invited the wife to waste the rest of them with me by fighting against me. I figured I would go easy on her for a few bouts as she tried out the game, then clean the floor with her when she was ready to compete – but it turns out she’s a fucking ringer.
She beat the shit out of me. Handily. It was mortifying. It was also more than a little arousing.
If you need me, I’ll be in my bunk.