How to Break Coin Dozer.

Today, I broke the Coin Dozer app. I didn’t even mean to. Not only that, I’m still not sure how it happened.

If you’re like me – easily amused and borderline ADHD – you spend a lot of time playing stupid games on your cell phone. While most people will be satisfied with the rudimentary mental challenge of a game like Candy Crush Saga I prefer my entertainment extremely brainless. This is why I downloaded Coin Dozer for Android – you simply can’t find a game that’s more of a mindless time waster.

Lookit all dem tokens!

Lookit all dem tokens!

If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a digital version of those old coin pusher games from your childhood. Well, my childhood anyway. Anyone who went to Adventureland in the 1980’s will remember these bad boys: a big tray of quarters being pushed along by an arm that swept back and forth towards an open pit that led to the coin return. You dropped your own quarter in and let it fall on top of the pile, hoping it would land in a way that would make the arm push a big mountain of quarters off the edge as they teetered there. Inevitably you would have to spend something like $5 in quarters to get 50 cents back.

That’s exactly how Coin Dozer works, albeit you’re not using real money. Instead you get a set number of coins that regenerate over time – brand new players start with a maximum of 40 coins and receive a new one for every 30 seconds of play (or every 9 minutes spent with the app closed).  The longer you play the game, which inevitably occurs over short bursts of boredom waiting in doctor’s offices or for television commercials to end, the more special prizes you collect, and eventually you’ll earn upgrades for your dogged determination. Collect enough of these upgrades and you’ll slightly increase your maximum coin cap, or shorten the wait between each coin spawn and things like that.

Dat ass!

That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Well, a few days ago my phone broke. It won’t take a charge any more, no matter how I fiddle with it or how many different chargers I try, so it’s essentially bricked now that it’s run out of battery life. This meant that in addition to being able to use my phone for its intended purpose (looking at porn at 4 in the morning from bed) I couldn’t access any of my time-waster apps and games either. It was at this point I remembered I had my old phone from when I lived in Pennsylvania. It ran on a regional carrier that didn’t reach up here, but I could at least still log on to HorseMaskTrannies.com in the wee hours of the night if I needed to, so I dug it out of my nightstand drawer and charged it up. It took a few hours before all the out-of-date apps updated themselves, but eventually I went exploring in my old phone and found that I had Coin Dozer installed on it from something like a year ago.

Let’s make something clear right now: Coin Dozer doesn’t record your progress across different devices. I didn’t remember what my old game progress was when I originally switched phones, but before my new phone bricked itself I had worked tirelessly to build my max coins to somewhere in the neighborhood of 65 or so. My regen rate, likewise, had dropped to around 26 seconds instead of 30. While I never was able to hold on to much of a coin surplus, I at least would always have a few waiting for me to drop down the bottomless gullet of the game and thus kill a minute or so when I needed to; it was good enough for me.

Imagine my surprise when I start up the copy of Coin Dozer on my old phone, fresh from updating to the newest version, and I saw the game screen:

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Yes, that says OVER FIFTEEN THOUSAND COINS in the upper left hand corner. Not only that, the regeneration timer was still running – something that should have been impossible as once you hit your maximum limit the timer shuts off until you drop back below that number. Yet somehow I had tricked the game into continuing to regenerate coins for me. Not only that, but when that clock ticks down, it resets at only 21 seconds. Something was seriously wrong.

I checked how many prizes I had accumulated as well and was just as astounded:

That's a lot of prizes.

That’s a lot of prizes.

To anyone who might not know Coin Dozer, there are nine tiers of collection bonuses. Every time you collect one set of four prizes, you unlock a tier. Eventually if you collect nine of each prize you gain access to the top tier. Any prizes over that number are technically useless, and most players simply periodically sell off their surplus. Yet somehow I had ridiculous numbers of prizes, well over nine in each category – and that meant the entire game was maxed out.

For your information, no I didn’t do anything like hack the game, as it requires a rooted Android device and I just never bothered to do that. Somehow – and I can only conjecture at this point – something went terribly wrong when the old copy of the game patched to its current version, essentially scrambling its brain enough to leave me with more gold coins than Scrooge McDuck. I’m not complaining, either – I just don’t know what to do with them all. The only reason to stop playing Coin Dozer is because you’ve run out of coins. With that taken off the table I may need an intervention. Please help!

OH GOD HELP ME IT'S HERE

OH GOD HELP ME IT’S HERE

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