I’m still getting used to this whole fatherhood thing, but considering my child seems to be deliriously happy even with a load of shit in her pants I must be doing something right. Happy Father’s Day, everyone!
It’s official: the wife and I are returning to the wild, wooly world of LARP. Well, at least for this weekend anyway.
I know this sounds crazy but I’m convinced my daughter is seeing shit I’m not. Either that, or she’s constantly having an extended grand mal seizure.
My precious, beautiful, just five-and-a-half week old little girl, the light of my life and center of my universe, will not stop fucking farting. She will also not stop eating, either – two things that I suspect may be linked in some fundamental way.
I had a fantastic, brilliant idea for today’s blog post. It would have been great, too. Unfortunately I changed my daughter’s diaper prior to sitting down to work on it, and she promptly shat all over me in a flatulent shotgun-blast of baby poo that not only violated my very being but required a judicious amount of mouthwash as well.
I have since completely forgotten what I was going to write about.
My new daughter poops. This is, in and of itself, nothing special; she was born with a fully functioning gastrointestinal system, and that includes the emergency egress at the tail end. It’s an elegant, well-designed system – food goes in, waste comes out – and I thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster every day that she came out completely and utterly normal, albeit a bit on the small side. All that being said, the kind of waste my child eliminates on a daily basis (oftentimes twice a day) could easily precipitate the kind of clean-up efforts that would make the Exxon Valdez look like a spilled bottle of soda.
The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft agley.
– Robert Burns, To a Mouse
I kind of accidentally became a father this weekend. Well, “accidentally” might bring up the wrong connotations here; this was coming eventually – everyone knew it – I just wasn’t expecting it to happen in the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania!